Away

I will not be posting in the next couple of days.

I have an interview this afternoon in Texas and another interview tomorrow in my hometown, so I'll be staying at my parents house tonight (no internet). Then tomorrow night we're going to a wedding.

So have a great Thursday and Friday. If I don't update on Saturday, I'll see ya Sunday!

Definition of Insanity

In my undergraduate program, one of our required courses was to take Orientation to Teaching. I remember very little from the class... One thing I distinctly remember is our professor reciting nearly every day this quote:

Source: Uploaded by user via Carrie on Pinterest

Now, whether or not Albert Einstein truly is the origin for this quotation is up for debate (as I just found out on Google)... But regardless... I remember her saying that repeatedly throughout the semester, and it stuck with me. 

There are mixed opinions about this quote. Some people say that it goes against another equally popular adage: 

Source: 365q.ca via Meredith on Pinterest

I can somewhat see that argument, but in a way I don't believe they're conflicting ideals. The second is just suggesting that you try again... Not necessarily that you try the same thing again. So I think they both could hold truth... But I'm digressing. 

I started this weight loss journey in January of 2011. I lost 30 pounds in the first 2 months and thought "heck, I can do this". And then... life happened. Since then I've lost another 30 pounds, but keep gaining/losing the last 15 pounds of that over and over again. I get under 240 and it's like my brain just shuts down and goes into binge mode. Which is where I've been for the past month. 

I've gained 16.5 pounds in the past 3 weeks. That is just silly. I mean, it's absurd. I know how to lose weight. I know what to eat, when to eat, how much to eat... How to exercise, where to exercise... Hell, I even started to enjoy exercising, if you can believe it. 

So what the heck is wrong with me?! 

I'm doing the same thing... Over and over again. 

I'm trying to eat healthy and move more and relying solely on my own motivation, self-control, and will power. 

And I fail every time. 

I am human and I am fallible. I make so many mistakes it's unbelievable. I know that this is unavoidable. 

But I get so down on myself each time I fail that it sends me into a tailspin of binging. I want to eat everything in sight because, in the back of my mind... I know I can lose it again and get right back to where I was.

Problem is... I don't move forward from "where I was". I get there and then stop. I reach that "minigoal" and my brain signals to me I've accomplished something and... What does this food addict do to celebrate something? 

Eat! 

I'm digressing again. Well, not really... but kind of. 

I need a change. I've become insane, if I'm going to pull from the quote my education teacher so frequently used. This is insanity. I eat the same foods and do the same exercises over and over and although they produce good results, it always fails. 

Something is missing. 

Here's where I might lose some of you, so forgive me if we differ in opinion or faith (or lack thereof, in some peoples' case): 

God is missing. 

As I said, I'm relying on my own motivation. My own self-control. My own will power. Instead of going to food for comfort, I'm trying to go to my mental strength for comfort. 

Problem is, I am so so weak. 

I haven't prayed through this. I've never once tried to be consistent on praying before meals/snacks, praying during a temptation, praying while overcoming a temptation, praying when Husband (or someone else) offers me something I know I can't have... I never tried. 

So, maybe what I'm saying is I feel both quotations are accurate. My recent diet/exercise endeavors are insane. I'm doing the same thing over and over and getting nowhere. My strength cannot lie within myself, because I don't have that kind of strength. I need God to help me through this. Instead of food or my own ego... I need His strength. I need his encouragement. I need his love to get me through. I need to depend solely on Him for comfort. 

I broke down speaking to my Lord last night and asked for His help. Tonight I spoke with Husband about it, so he would know where my heart is and where I have to go from here. I will need his prayer through this as well. 

I am going to try, try again... And with His strength, I know I can succeed. 

Source: lamplightart.com via K on Pinterest

 

If you’ve taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section at: www.alltheweigh.com so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!

 FMM: One or the Other

1. Shower or Bubble Bath?  Shower
2. Money or Power?  Money
3. Country Music or Rap? Country
4. Sunshine or Thunderstorms? Thunderstorms
5. Uniform  or Suit? Suit
6. Chocolate or Vanilla? Chocolate
7. Beauty or Brains? Brains
8. Newspaper or Online News? Online
9. Marinara or Alfredo? I like a mix of both.
10. Lip Gloss or Lip Stick? Lip balm? I'm a chap stick girl all the way.
11. Beach or Mountains? Mountains... although my desire for the beach has grown lately
12. Talk or Text? Depends. Texting is what I do mostly, just because I can't always talk face-to-face.
13.  CNN or Fox News? Neither.
14. Cake or Potato Chips? So. Hard.
15. Movies at home or at the theater? Theater, most definitely.
16. Bar or Bookstore? I'm not real big on either. I buy books online and rarely drink outside of my home or someone else's home.
17. Rock or Pop? Pop, I guess?
18. Manicure or Facial? I've never gotten a facial, but I'm sure I would prefer that.
19. Book or e-reader? Book
20. Planes or Trains? Planes

Now it’s your turn to answer this week’s questions.  Don’t forget to go back to Kenlie's blog and link up in the comments!  Happy Monday, and Happy Memorial Day!

To-Do List

Things I Need to Do to Stop Feeling Like Crap:

• Laundry
• Clean every room of my house, from top to bottom
• Move the old fridge to the basement and the new fridge into the kitchen (from its current location in the middle of the dining room)
• Clip my fingernails (possibly paint them)
• Soak my feet while I finish my book (Fifty Shades Freed)
• Prepare questions for possible interviews next week
• Print off copies of my resume & references list
• Walk with my dogs
• Go to yoga class
• Grocery shop for healthier foods (one step at a time)
• Reread Made to Crave
• Start looking at myself in the mirror again
• Be nicer to my husband and others who care about me
• Make a dentist appointment 
• Cross something off our "House Renovations" list
• Smile more
• Pray more

Hope y'all are having a good weekend.

'Night! 

WTF Wednesday!

I've never done WTF Wednesday before, but I have a lot of things to say WTF to this week, so here goes. Thanks for the opportunity to vent, Draz!!

1. I started and finished "50 Shades of Grey" in under 24 hours last week. So first of all... Whoa. Anyone else a Christian Grey fan/critic? I love/hate him so hard. Anyways... I ordered the 2nd and 3rd books of the trilogy on Monday and today the third book came in the mail. WTF, Amazon!!  How am I supposed to read the third book before I read the second book. So now I wait. Which is so annoying and such a tease.
2. If this blog was private (or rather, not something people in my real life read) I would be shouting WTF from the rooftops over this crazy job situation. There are so many WTFs I would love to share with you all about this... But for fear of offending people, I will refrain. To those who know what I'm referring to... Despite my nonchalantness over what's gone down... I call BS. 
3. WTF is with BDR needing to check his phone every 3.5 seconds to check the damn score of whatever game is happening at the time. Scratch that... There won't even be a game on and he's got to check!! I swear baseball, football, and now basketball seasons will be the death of our relationship. Which isn't lookin' good because that pretty much covers the entire year.  (JK about the "death of our relationship" bit... Kind of)
4. WhyTF can't I get away from babies? Everyone's having one and all movies/TV shows I watch revolve around babies. F'real. Last night we saw "What to Expect When You're Expecting". We've been watching old Grey's Anatomy episodes and the ones we're on now are when Addison is working at Seattle Grace... So every episode has a dang pregnant woman. Then, of course, there's One Born Every Minute, 16 & Pregnant, and Teen Mom... Which I watch faithfully as they appear on the DVR. I know I'm doing this to myself... But that makes it an even bigger WTF. I'm obsessed. I pin every baby room, baby shower, and baby gadget I find. And I can't have babies right now. WTF.
5. I tried to make an appointment with a counseling office yesterday, but our insurance doesn't cover anything. WTF. I thought going nuts-o was kind of a big deal? Would that not constitute a medical problem? I thought BDR's company was supposed to provide the best insurance around?! Probably the biggest WTF of the situation is that when the lady called to tell me how much it would be, I actually said to her "Um, we can't afford that. Bye." Which made me feel grand. 
6. I can't stop eating. WTF.
7. This is a predictive WTF. I'm getting my hair cut and styled today, because I need something new. I've decided that I will be getting as close to this haircut as my stylist can accomplish: 

If I don't come out looking like Mila Kunis... WTF.

Tuesday Recap (And it's only 2PM)

I was woken up this morning by my phone ringing. It was the hospital from my hometown (where I really really was hoping to work) calling to tell me they "didn't need an interview" (aka... They aren't interested in me in the slightest).

So that was lovely. And humiliating. And disappointing.

And just... lovely.

Couldn't go back to sleep, so I laid on the couch with my dogs staring at the ceiling. (Do things get more depressing?? Oh, and did I mention my cat was there, too? Yeah... Things just got more depressing.)

Eventually I decided to email my resume off to another company. Actually, to the recruiting company representing the company needing an SLP. So she called me back within an hour or two and said she forwarded my information on and should be hearing from them very soon.

That is, unless, they decide an interview isn't necessary either.



Then, since I was on a roll with the productivity thing... I called the counseling office down the street. Cos homegirl needs some therapy. Gave them my info and they should be calling me back today to make an appointment.

So then I called and made a hair appointment, because I was still on phone call making mode.

And do-something-to-keep-from-going-batty mode.

Now Husband's about to go pick up lunch and I will pathetically annihilate it from my couch where I will be watching old Grey's Anatomy episodes in my pajamas.



I will say that this evening we have plans to take the pups out to a teeny tiny lake (read: pond) so they can blow off some energy. This will only happen if I don't suddenly become overwhelmed by all the job offers coming my way.

So I guess it'll happen.

See y'all after the lake (read: pond)!!

Happy Tuesday!!

Pooch Fashion

This post has been a long time coming. As you well know... I'm obsessed with my dogs. I'd probably mention them in every post if I didn't think I'd run you all away. So, fair warning... This post is about my dogs. Or, rather, about my dogs accessories.

Braylen and I don't have much money to spend on our pooches (as much as we feel they deserve it).

We try to buy toys that they enjoy that are sturdy enough to last a while. That doesn't always work, but we try.

See that white & red chew toy? [photo taken in August 2011]

It's still alive and kicking (See him "sharing it" with me?) [photo taken in March 2012]

Luke & Leia like to tear open and pull the stuffing out of dog beds. So I can't count how many of those we've gone through. We've stopped buying them. If they want to chew them up, they can sleep on the crate floor. (Which sounds cruel, but 95% of the time, Leia sleeps in our bed and Luke sleeps under the bed on the floor, where they prefer... So they don't spend much time in their crate).

Luke's first bed. (He's about 8-9 weeks old here)

Another bed (and toy that no longer exists)

Leia's first bed.

Luke & Leia sharing a bed (and pillow) that are now in heaven.

So now they're pathetically sleeping on the crate floor.

Only this is where Luke actually sleeps.

And this is where her highness actually sleeps. (It's a tough life)

Luke's worn the same dog tag for over a year now and Leia didn't even have one until last week because she kept chewing on her rabies tags and we didn't want her to ruin an ID tag we actually spent money on (she only has one now because she stopped chewing). 

[[Note: I was going to post pictures of their dog tags, because they're adorable, but realized it's probably not wise to post our number/address on the www... Both tags were purchased at PoochyCouture on Etsy.com and we couldn't be happier with them.]]

Anyways, my point is (and I promise I have one... Kinda)...

Our dogs aren't spoiled in all aspects.

The one area they are spoiled in, thanks to my mother-in-law, are their collars. She makes them new ones constantly. Basically one for every season and major holiday. They are so lucky to have a Grinny who can sew fabulous and durable dog collars (among her other many talents). So, without further ado, here are just a few of the collars our pooches have acquired...

 Matching Valentine's Day collars

Luke's bones/paws collar.

Luke's OU collar (no doubt Braylen's favorite)

Luke's 4th of July collar.

Leia's Christmas collar (sorry I don't have a better picture)

Leia's Halloween collar.

There are many more than I neglected to get a picture of. For instance, they're currently still sporting St. Patty's Day collars that I don't have photographed. When they change collars so often it's hard to remember what we have/haven't taken pictures of! But, I can't complain... That's a pretty darn good problem to have. It saves us money on collars, and our pooches always have the best ones around. 

Thanks, Grinny Robin!! Your grandpups sure do appreciate all the love you put into their fancy collars!! (And so do their parents). Looking forward to seeing your next creations! 

Thanks Robin!!!

Friend Makin' Mondays: Three Things

If you’ve taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section at: www.alltheweigh.com so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!

FMM: Three Things

1. Three of your favorite movies:
- Forrest Gump
- Sound of Music
- I am Sam

2. Three of your favorite things to drink:
- water
- Diet Dr. Pepper
- Liptons diet citrus green tea


3. Three of your favorite songs:
I've never been able to nail down all-time "favorite songs". I will say that my three current "favorites" are:
- Gotye's "Somebody That I Used to Know"
- Fun.'s "We are Young"
- Adele's "Rumor Has It"


4. Three people who have recently been a positive influence on your life (outside of your family):
Outside of my family? Yikes. I've had so many people reach out to me lately when I've been feeling down, I'm not really comfortable pin-pointing it down to three.

5. Three things you to do keep yourself entertained:
- Facebook and other internet-y activities
- Reading (this is a new development... Well, I've always loved reading but haven't been able to do much reading in the past 5 years because of college)
- Play with my dogs. I've been working with Luke lately on catching balls in the air. Leia's been working on the basics: "sit", "down", "dance", etc.


6. Three things you’re attracted to in the opposite sex:
- Consideration
- Humor
- Humility

7. Three things you love about yourself:
- I am a very loyal friend.
- I work hard on the task at hand.
- I try to go above and beyond for other people.


8. The last three people who text messaged you:
- Haley
- Husband
- Nikki

9. Three things you’re looking forward to this week:
- Hopefully interviewing for a job. Although, I'm not really looking forward to it, but it means I'm getting somewhere.
- Hopefully finding a place for counseling.
- Spending time with BDR.


10. Three wishes specifically for yourself…What are they? (Be selfish, and be honest.)
- I wish that I could stay at home and didn't have to work.
- I wish that I was healthier so I was comfortable enough with my situation to begin having children.
- I wish I had more determination.
 
11. Three of your favorite quotes:
I such at inspirational quotes. So I'm gonna go look on Pinterest and find my three favorites:

Source: fitnessinspiration.tumblr.com via Kaycie on Pinterest

Source: penandpaperflowers.blogspot.com via Kaycie on Pinterest

Source: vanessachristenson.com via Kaycie on Pinterest

12. Three of your biggest fears:
- Never overcoming my food addiction (therefore never being able to have children)
- Losing my family
- Not being a good enough wife/mother/daughter/granddaughter/etc.


13. Three of your favorite TV shows:
- Gilmore Girls
- Grey's Anatomy
- Private Practice


14. Three of your favorite things to purchase when you’re shopping.
- Tops
- Dresses
- Things for other people

15. Three things that you enjoyed last week:
- Sleeping in with BDR.
- Spending lots of time with my mom.
- Rediscovering my love of reading.

16. Three things that you always have in your bag or close to you if you’re not a purse kind of person. 
- Fingernail clippers
-Chap Stick
-Wallet

17. Three types of food that you wouldn’t want to give up.
- Cheeseburgers
- French fries
- Pasta
(Whoops... Y'all know I love unhealthy food, right?)

18. Three things you do to enjoy burning calories:
- Walking the dogs w/Husband
- Hot yoga
- Body Pump

19.  Three things you dislike about blogging:
- Having to work so hard to get your blog out there.
- Feeling pressure to update (although that's a pressure I put on myself.. No one else pressures me)
- When people still have captcha enabled when you leave a comment (you know you can turn that off, right?)

20.  Three ways blogging has changed your life:

- It has made me more honest with myself and those around me. I never would've been comfortable talking about my specific weight or putting progress pictures up before.
- Having an outlet to share my feelings.
- It's brought me closer to friends/family because they know what's going on in my life, even if we don't see each other very often. I know a lot of bloggers keep their blog lives and real lives separate, but I'd rather be open with everyone than try to hide this part of me. (Not saying it's wrong to do that, but for me I'd rather not)

Now it’s your turn to answer the questions!  Don’t forget to go back to Kenlie's blog and link up in the comments, and have a happy Monday!

Change of Heart

A thought occurred to me tonight:

I wonder if I haven't found a job yet because there's something else my heart should be focused on. Now, before my mother and MIL have a heart attack, I'm not saying I'm not supposed to be searching for work, because I am. But I haven't had much luck. Instead of feeling down on myself about it, I'm choosing to believe that in this time, while I'm not working, maybe God wants me to also really buckle down and get to the heart of my addiction to food. So today, instead of feeling pouty because it's the weekend and I can't call and bug people about job interviews... I started Googling psychologists/counseling and asking around on FB for suggestions in my area. So far, I've only come up with one prospect... But it feels good to be working on something. I will be calling tomorrow and looking into making an appointment.

And that's all I have to say today.

Hope y'all are doing well...

'Night!

Semi-Update and My Tattoo

Well, I'd say my first week post-graduate school was a success. My depression is still... here? But I'm learning to deal with it, in whatever ways I can. I have been journaling every day, which truly has been the thing that's helped the most. Still no word on jobs (as I mentioned in BYOC) but praying about it constantly and I know God will provide what we need for us when we need it. In fact, he already is working hugely in our lives and in relieving our stress: Braylen talked with his boss and they are willing to work with him and his class schedule this summer so he doesn't have to quit his job (yet). It was such a relief to hear that... Thank God! It's so nice that I don't have to settle for the first job that accepts me if I'm not feeling like it's right. Not that anyone has accepted me, so maybe I shouldn't be so choosy.

But enough of that.

Most of our family knows, so I don't feel badly for saying it here now... Braylen and I have decided (unless God has other plans) that once his summer classes are over, we will be selling our house and moving back to my hometown. I didn't want to do that before, because we love the town we're in (in theory, anyway) and like being closer to OKC... But the more we talk/pray about it, the more it feels like the next step for us. We love the town we're in now... But there's nothing here for us. Since I didn't get the job I hoped/prayed for originally, there's just not much here that we don't have back home. We do have a few friends and the YMCA here that we will miss being close to, but our family and a majority of our friends live further south (not to mention, their Y is even bigger than the one here). Of course we will miss the home and the life we built here, but after the struggle we've been having lately and how little there is for us to grow here... It just seems logical to move away and start fresh. We're both very excited about what God has planned for us in the next chapter of our lives.

Speaking of changes... Braylen's new schedule (which won't start for another couple weeks) means he won't be on night shift anymore (can I get a Hallelujah?!?). Nearly our entire marriage has been him working night shifts... We don't even know what it's like to consistently be home at night together on a regular basis. I am so (so so so so so) excited to know what it's like to actually, ya know... Live with my husband. I'm also kind of nervous/anxious, if I'm being entirely honest. I mean... I kinda like sleeping alone sometimes. I kinda like having frequent "me" time. I say that... But I know that despite a transition period (and me getting used to sleeping with someone, besides Leia), I will be so happy to have him home with me.

Reading back over the last few sentences, I can hear some of you saying "If you can't handle not having "me" time and can't handle having frequently interrupted sleep... No way are you ready for a child."

Good thing I don't have one!

Trust that when I do, I will be ready.

But speaking of that... I had my ob/gyn appointment on Friday. I hadn't lost the weight I was supposed to lose by our next appointment, but she didn't even ask. It was kind of anti-climatic, truth be told. I guess I misunderstood what she told me from our first appointment in January. I thought she said I didn't technically have PCOS because the cysts were from not having a period for 2 years (due to birth control) not because of my body doing it to itself due to a syndrome. However, on Friday she did call my condition PCOS but told me it would likely go away once I lost weight (obviously) and got off birth control. So, really, it was pointless to have another appointment, but whatever. Really all she wanted to know was if I had a regular period for the past three months, which I had... But I feel I could've told her that via phone or email, instead of making an appointment, driving 45 minutes out of town, paying the copay, and psyching myself up for what I thought would be a second intravaginal ultrasound. Anyways... It's done. I have a birth control prescription now and am set for a long while.

Wait.. Did you ask for me to tell you about my appointment? Shoot. Sorry. And sorry (Mark) I talked about periods and intravaginal ultrasounds.

Speaking of Mark...

J - C - R - K .... Joe, Claudia, Ryan, and Kaycie (my parents, brother, and I)

My mother and I got the same tattoo when I was 18. We took a special mother/daughter trip to Colorado, where my uncle has a tattoo shop, to get these together. It's very special to me. =] Even though I never see it... 

Anyway, sorry for that dose of random. I thought there was something important in there, but now I'm not so sure. One of these days I'll get my mind sorted out and back to some kind of normal. Until then, hang in there with me, please?

BYOC--Bring Your Own Crazy

BYOC!!! Bring Your Own Crazy!!

It’s FRIDAY!!! That means it’s time for BYOC – Bring Your Own Crazy, brought to us by Draz! We answer five little questions to get to know each other better and to give our blogging brains a break. Copy to your own blog and enjoy!!


1. What religion were you raised as a child, if any, and are you still a member of that faith today? Why or why not?
I was raised in a Lutheran church. We tried to go every Sunday, and I was involved in VBS and Sunday School. When I was in junior high we stopped going. I think it was a combination of getting a new pastor and my brother and I just not being into it (if I remember right, none of us were too thrilled about getting up/going on Sundays). I'm sure my brother and I not enjoying it wasn't the deciding factor, but in my mind it was. Anyways, I tried a couple churches with friends while I was in junior high, but nothing felt right. Then I went on a retreat my junior year of HS with a then-friend, who attended a Methodist church, and my parents and I soon became highly active members there. I loved the youth group. I loved the relationships I had with other members of the youth group, the youth group leaders, my new church family and, most importantly, with God. The things I learned about my faith and myself changed me forever. In college I tried to stay active in the youth group as a youth sponsor. I tried to go back multiple times a week (a 45min drive, one way) to participate with the youth and keep my faith alive. Eventually after almost 2 years of commuting, I lost my motivation. It was around that time I met and started dating Braylen, and I just lost focus. I'd like to say I've regained it, but we've yet to find a church home. It's only been in the past week I've started writing in my prayer journal again (what an answer to a prayer to receive a new one as a graduation gift last week) and really focusing on my heart. Long story to say: I am a Christian. I have had lots of distractions the past few years and that's no excuse. I'm ready to get back to focusing on God's plan for my life living to bring Him glory.

2. Do you have an all time favorite candy or do you change favorites often?
I love love love chocolate (Hershey's and Milka are my favorite). Jolly Ranchers (watermelon, cherry, and grape) are also at the top of my list. Oh, as well as Nerds. And Nerds Ropes. Wait... I forgot... I like all candy.

3. Are you a green thumb? Do you landscape your yard or plant any flowers or a garden? Do you pay someone to do it for you? Do you not plant a single thing?
I am not a green thumb. I do not landscape my yard or plant any flowers or a garden. I do not pay someone to do it for me. I do not plant a single thing.


However, BDR does mow, so at least we've got that going for us. He tried to do a flower garden last year in our front yard... But weeds won.



Maybe when we're in a home that feels more "permanent", I'll be more invested in curb appeal. I just haven't had the desire to care.

4. Let’s just say you were a tattoo junkie and you were planning your next tat and it had to be words only. What words would you choose? A quote? Phrase? One word? Would you do it in English or a different language?
If it had to be words only... Well, then I have no idea. BDR and I have been throwing around the idea to get one (not anytime soon, Robin =]) and we were thinking of a play on the number 7. We had our first date on the 7th, got married on the 7th, my MIL was born on the 7th, Bray's TBI was on the 7th, my birthday is in the 7th month... Several events revolve around the number 7. Plus, it's lucky, right?


Alright, so I'm not much to believe in luck, but I do like the number. If anyone thinks of a cool way to incorporate all of these with the number 7, let me know! (No dice, please)

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week.
Another tough week, but it's getting better. As I said, I've been utilizing a prayer journal all week, and it's amazing how much stress that relieves. When I give all my cares to him, it's like a weight's lifted. Although, speaking of weight... If you all visit my weight chart tab at the top of my blog, you will see that a weight, has in fact, been added. But right now, I can't care. My focus right now is getting my relationship with God back (will be rereading "Made to Crave" by Lysa Terkeurst ASAP) and overcoming my addiction to food. Not obtaining a number on the scale. I'm only continuing to weigh-in, because I told myself at the beginning of the year I would track every week.



Anyways, still no word on any jobs. Fortunately, BDR talked with his boss and they are willing to work with him this summer while he's in school so he doesn't have to quit (what a huge prayer answered, and what a weight off my mind). Now that we know he's still going to be working, there's not as much pressure to hurry and take the first job that comes along. I'm applying to places around my hometown in hopes that we can move closer to our parents (and a particular school system we like, for future children). So, that's all the news I have for now. Because the dark, twisty thoughts I've had in my mind the past week that I'm trying to get rid of. But y'all don't wanna hear about that, right..?

Oh, speaking of no news on the job front... I just (like 30 seconds ago, as I was typing this) got a call from the place I interviewed at last week. Not interested in hiring a new graduate. Cool.

Fortunately, I was going to turn down the job if they offered it, anyways... But damn. Just gotta remember... God's got me covered. He will provide. 

Ache

Sorry I haven't been around. I'm not really doing too well, currently. Depression has come in/out of my life for as long as I can remember, and at a time when I should be indescribably happy, I am feeling so lost. 

I did not get the job where I had been interning at. They gave it to someone else, a classmate of mine. I am very happy for her and for the company... I still care for them all and hope nothing but the best for them. 

But my heart aches. I wanted it so badly. I prayed for it everyday, and although I told myself I would praise God either way, and I do because I know His plan is far greater than mine, my heart still aches. I've wanted that position for the past three years. But... It wasn't meant for me and I need to accept that. 

I graduated on Saturday from graduate school. I have been in school for the past twenty years of my life. I have worked hard. I have earned my Master of Arts degree and am proud of the time and energy I've put into earning it. 

I am so relieved to be finished. However, I never anticipated feeling like I'm feeling right now. I imagined being overwhelmingly happy. I imagined having a job lined up. I imagined Braylen being completely finished with school. I imagined being healthier and trying to start a family. 

I never imagined crying every day. I never imagined having no job prospects. I never imagined planning to move back to my hometown to find work. I never imagined being unhappy with myself, at a time when I should be overjoyed. 

I've been making horrible decisions regarding my health for a few weeks now. My mental state is nowhere close to where it needs to be. I can't participate in Biggest Loser this round because competition isn't what I need. I need professional help, at this point. I can't control my thoughts anymore. I'm feeling hopeless, whereas I should be feeling so hopeful. 

My heart aches, and I am sad. 

I should be better than this.

Forgive me for being so vulnerable. I realize this post is completely unprofessional and a cry for help. But, I'm crying for help. I need support and love right now, but more than anything, I need prayer. I would love to return the favor though. God and I have been talking a lot lately... If you have a hurt on your heart, please let me plead to Him with you.

Friend Makin' Monday: All The Single Ladies (and Gents)

If you’ve taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section at Kenlie's blog at: www.alltheweigh.com so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!

FMM: All The Single Ladies (and Gents)

1. What is your current relationship status?  Are you happy with that status?  I am married. We had our second anniversary a week ago today. I am unbelievably happy with that status. I was made to be a wife/mother... Just haven't gotten to the mother part (but I'm so enjoying this wife only time)!

2. Do you find it enjoyable to take care of someone in addition to yourself, or do you prefer to be responsible only for yourself? I find that there aren't many times when I can consider only myself in a situation. All of my decisions affect Braylen somehow (and ultimately our family together), so there's not many choices I can make without considering him. My first thought was to say weight/weight loss is something I am solely responsible for... But BDR and I are partners when it comes to getting/staying healthy. It's not always a good thing, because we can share in victory but also in bad choices... But I wouldn't have it any other way.

3.  What’s the most important physical characteristic in your mate/potential mate?  I love my husband's broad shoulders. His eyes are beautiful too (and come a very close second), but his shoulders with his arms wrapped around me make me feel so safe.

4. What’s the most important (non-physical) characteristic in your mate/potential mate?  I believe, in any relationship, one of the most (if not the most) important things to have is respect. With that comes consideration... You have to be able to understand how your actions will affect the other person... And how you can use that to make the person you're in a relationship with happy. So many things stem from having respect for a person.

5. Is it important to you that your significant other have the same hobbies and interests as you? To an extent, definitely. That is one aspect, BDR and I have always been happy with, though we do struggle occasionally. We both love to do things like dinner/movie, hiking, and visiting with family. We differ in many ways, too... He is obsessed with sports and video games (whereas, I don't like watching sports AT ALL and my favorite video game is Super Mario Bros.). I like to watch TV/movies technology-free... I often will ask that both of us turn off computers and put away phones when we're trying to hang out at home together. Just little differences that can make a BIG difference in how we relate to each other. We work out how to compromise in those situations and it's not always easy... But the time we spend together doing things we both love more than makes up for it.

6. If you could go out on a date with a celebrity who would it be?  Paul Rudd. (Like I am with my husband) I'm drawn to his dark hair, beautiful smile, and his eyes.

{Source}

7. What’s your idea of a good first date?  Any activity where you can actually talk to the other person and get to know them. I've only ever gone out to eat for a first date, but there are several other things you could do. Bray and I went out to eat at OU's campus corner and then walked around campus for a while, talking and getting to know one another.

8. Are there any traits/habits that you’d consider a deal breaker?  Well, married/committed people are a no-no. I don't think I would've ever dated someone who was uninterested in having children, because that's so important to me. I also don't think I would've dated someone who didn't believe in the same faith that I do (not because that makes them a bad person... But so many things revolve around faith and opposing viewpoints would complicate things so much more than necessary).

9. Okay ladies…Facial Hair: Yes, or No?  I don't typically like facial hair. The only person I've ever loved it on is my husband. His goatee/mustache is part of him. He tried shaving it for a while (after he learned facial hair isn't my favorite) but we both agreed it just wasn't "him".

Love my handsome hubby.

10.  Would you marry someone who is opposed to diamond engagement rings?  I wanted a diamond ring, but to each his own...

11. What do you wish you could do differently in your next relationship? I don't plan on having a "next relationship". =]

12. Is there anyone from your past that you’d like to date again now? I went out with a guy the other day I wouldn't mind going out with again. He lives with me and my pups call him "Daddy".

13. Describe your worst first date story ever.  I haven't had any truly horrible first dates (or many first dates at all). I guess my worst one was bad because it was just... uncomfortable. I'd been talking to this guy online who I was introduced to through a mutual friend. We talked for weeks (online, texting, and phone calls) and were getting along so well we decided to meet at Starbucks and see where it went. We sat almost in total silence the whole time and he made up some excuse about having to go to his mom's house because she was sick. It always hurt my feelings because I felt like he saw in person and wasn't interested anymore (blow to the self-esteem), but looking back... He was just kind of boring. His loss and my gain!!

14. Describe the perfect date with your significant other. We've had some pretty doggone good dates. It's hard to choose just one. One that tops the list, though, was our fourth "official" date. We used to take turns planning out dates and surprising the other person. For our 4th date, I planned to take Bray up in a small airplane to fly over his hometown... Then we had dinner (I made his favorite: jambalaya) and chocolate covered strawberries for dessert. That was a pretty darn good date...

Us standing in front of the airplane.

The plane that took us over his hometown.

15.  Would you date someone shorter than you? Eh, it's not a preference of mine to have a man shorter than me, but I would've gone out on a date to get to know the guy. (I wouldn't have wanted someone not to go out with me just because I'm a big girl... Can't justify not going out with a guy just because he's short).

16. Share one (or a few) bonus traits that would be fun to find in an significant other (even if they aren’t as important as other traits.) This is tough to be objective and not think about traits BDR has. I think I'm going to pass on this one.

17. What’s one thing you’d like to do with a significant other that you’ve never done with another?  I don't think that's blog-appropriate, ; ]

18.  PDA: Yes, or No?  I like to keep PDA to a minimum when we're around family/friends. If it's just us out on a date, I am okay with a little more. Ultimately, I'm just not much for making out in public. Of course, hand holding and hugs are always acceptable. I just don't believe things like that are appropriate in groups... It excludes you and your significant other from being part of the group. Who wants to hang out with people who are always all over each other?

19. Do you kiss on the first date? I definitely have.

20. Who, if anyone, makes your heart flutter?  Take a guess... =]

Wow! That’s a lot of questions!  Now it’s your turn to answer them!  Don’t forget to go back to Kenlie's blog and link up in the comments!  Happy Monday Friends!

BYOC--Bring Your Own Crazy

It’s Friday! That means it’s time for BYOC – Bring Your Own Crazy (Brought to us by Draz)! We answer a few questions to get to know each other better and to give our blogging brains a break. Copy to your own blog if you so desire and have fun!


1. Are you a “wake up on the first beep of the alarm clock” or a “hit the snooze button 50 times before you get up” kind of person? Is your alarm clock set to the right time?

• I usually set my alarm 30 minutes ahead of what time I actually need to get up. I snooze exactly three times (once every 10 minutes) and it gives me time to mentally prepare to wake up. However, that's on a regular get up and go to work day. On days I get up early to go to yoga, I set my alarm 15 minutes before class starts so I literally have no time to lolly-gag. I have to get up, put on clothes (that I lay out the night before), brush my teeth, wipe my eyes off, and get to yoga. If I didn't do it that way, I'd have too much time to talk myself out of it.

2. Do you decorate for any holidays other than Christmas?

• Nope. Not a bit. Well, unless you count changing out my dogs collars nearly every month to suit the season. (Post to come very soon... I don't know why I haven't posted about our dogs' collars yet)

3. Would you consider yourself a spontaneous fly by the seat of your pants kind of person or a massive OCD controlling planner kind of person or someone in between?

• I think I'm somewhere in between. When it comes to school (and now work) I am definitely a planner. I like to stay organized so I can work efficiently and get what I need to get done, done. However, you would never know this looking in my car or at my house. When I get home I basically forget everything I was ever taught about organization skills and try my best to get my mind off of everything/anything stressful. Which is where the spontaneity comes into play. Bray and I date. A lot. I know that will likely diminish as we have children and our priorities shift, but right now we love going on dates and getting out to do... Whatever we decide to do that day/night (movie-going is frequent, but we also like dinner/drinks with friends, hiking, going for walks with the dogs, visiting family, vacationing, etc.).

4. Tell me some of your MUST have hair products that you use consistently….you know - share your “hair routine”.

• Literally, this is what I do 98% of the time: 1) Shower using whatever shampoo/conditioner I think smells the best. 2) Roll it up in a towel to soak out most of the moisture. 3) Brush it wet w/a paddle brush. 4) Bend over with my hair now upside down. 5) Shake the heck out of it. 6) Pull it up in a loose bun. 7) Go to sleep. 8) Wake up, remove bun, and go.



So I don't use any product, much to my hair stylist's dismay.

What the messy bun looks like when my hair's dry.

What is does when I let it loose from the bun.

The other 2% of the time I either straighten it or curl it (also to my hair stylist's dismay). 

Straight.

Curled (Sorry it's kinda blurry)

5. Repeat question: How was your week and what are your upcoming weekend plans?

• This week has been hard. Not really up to talking about it right now, so I apologize. Lots of weekend plans ahead: I have an interview this afternoon at 4 (wish me luck!). Tomorrow at 10AM is my graduation from graduate school. Then BDR and I are having a joint graduation party from noon until whenever. My best friend and her fiance are staying at our place to partake in some festivities. Then Sunday is Mother's Day so we're going down to my mom's house for dinner and hopefully will also see my mother-in-law at some point as well.

Thoughts:

1. I 100% firmly and whole-heartedly believe that Joshua Ledet on American Idol is 1,000 times over-rated. The judges give him standing o's every single time (or just about) and I literally have to fast forward his performances because they make me cringe. Just IMO. I realize I'm not in any place to judge. But it drives me nuts when they drool over him every week. Just sayin'... 
2. My food cravings are out of this world. Well, I guess I should say... My inability to not give in to my food cravings is out of this world. I have made horrible choices for the past week. I am struggling. I've decided that once we figure out our next move (as far as who will be working where and when), I am seeking out therapy for my addiction to food. I will never make any more change/progress unless I work out whatever is imbalanced in my brain. I can never have enough food. This is not normal. 
3. I was not planning on revealing that in this post. Guess it needed to come out. This is something I have been thinking about for the past year, and I am very serious about it. I am not meaning to sound frivolous or exaggerated. There is something wrong with the way I think/feel about food, and the way I use food in my life. I don't know how to fix it and I need help. End of story. 
4. I really want to go on vacation. Now.
5. I can't decide how to feel lately. One moment I'm incredibly relieved and happy that school is officially over (I took my last final yesterday and now all I have left is graduation). The next moment I am so pissed off at every little thing I don't know whether to scream or punch something (or maybe both?). 
6. I have been having so much trouble getting sleep lately because I cannot turn my brain off. 

• Did I lock the doors? 
• I need to make a list of questions to ask at my interview on Friday.
• Why didn't I get the job where I've been interning at since January?
• I wonder what it will be like to get a paycheck.
• Will I ever be getting a paycheck? 
• Graduation. Ican'twait.
• I wonder how many people will come to our graduation party. 
• I have to pee.
• Why didn't I get the job? 
• Moving to a different town if I get a job away from here. 
• Selling our house.
• Fixing up our house so it's ready to sell. 
• I don't want to sell our house or move. 
• I'm not ready for these decisions.
• What questions will I ask on Friday? Should I write them down now so I won't forget?
• OB/GYN appointment Friday morning... Hope she doesn't tell me I'm pregnant!
• But secretly kind of want her to. 
• Hope all the cysts are off of my ovaries. 
• I need to get new birth control. 
• Braylen really wants a baby. Should we have one now? 
• I need to lose 100 lbs still. 
• I need to eat. 
• I need to lose 100 lbs still. 
• I will never lose the weight. 
• Why didn't I get the job? 

Seriously... 

I need help.

Friend Makin' Monday: Q&A

If you’ve taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section over at: www.alltheweigh.com so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!

FMM: Q & A

1. What’s the most obnoxious word/phrase you use on a regular basis? I'm really not sure about this one. It kind of goes in phases. I can't think of a word/phrase I'm stuck on right now. (What a lame answer)

2. What’s the most memorable bumper sticker you’ve ever seen? Oh, shoot... Another answer I can't think of. I like reading bumper stickers, but I guess I've never tried to remember them. The only one I can think of is one I actually bought for my brother years and years ago when we were still living at home. He really liked Tenacious D so I bought him a bumper sticker for his birthday or Christmas or something. When I noticed he never put it on his car I asked why and he pointed out that it was, in fact, shaped like a penis. Whoops!

This is exactly what the bumper sticker looked like. Oopsie!

3. Share one pet peeve that causes you more grief than it should. I get so (so, so, so, so, so) annoyed when I have to repeat myself on the phone... Like if there's bad reception or background noise. I hate people asking "huh?" "What'd you say?" over and over again. Makes me want to just hang up (which, I admit, I've done and claimed "the call was dropped"). Typing that out I realize how unbelievably rude and silly that is. Sigh...

4. What are your thoughts on re-gifting presents? I don't see anything wrong with it. As long as it's not something useless that you're just trying to get rid of. Exception: a white elephant or dirty Santa party. Useless gifts are entirely appropriate in said-situation.

5. What was your biggest accomplishment this week? Fitting in to a pair of 15/16 jeans, from wearing a 17/18 =]

6. What’s the title of the last movie you watched? "Cabin in the Woods"

7. If you could only choose one, would you rather have a full-time cleaning person or a full-time chef? MOST DEFINITELY cleaning. I would cook so much more if my kitchen was constantly clean. (Will someone explain that to my husband, please?)

8. Do you enjoy shopping for clothes, or do you dread it? As the weight comes off, I'm growing to love it more and more. Especially now that I know where to shop to find clothes that flatter my body type. Maurice's, Cato's, Dress Barn, Rue 21... Some of my favorites! I even find that Walmart has cute tops and summer dresses now and again! I admit that I do still dread trying on jeans/pants. It's so hard to find ones that fit just how I like. I've recently discovered the Taylor curvy fit boot cut jeans at Maurice's that were made for my body, and I'm so excited!

9. What’s your favorite sport to play/watch? Favorite to watch is gymnastics. Seeing as how it only comes on every so often, I guess my second pick would be baseball. My favorite sport to play...? I guess racquetball? Even though I don't know/play by any rules.

10. If you could have coffee with anyone today who would you choose? Today is my anniversary, so I'm stickin' with my hubs. =]

Now it’s your turn.  Don’t forget to go back over to Kenlie's blog and link up in the comments.  Happy Monday Friends…Thanks for being here.

Shopping With Momma & Another NSV

My mom and I went on a fairly impromptu shopping trip through Norman, OK today. We went so I could show her where my graduation party would be (for future reference) and ended spending the next 5-6 hours shopping ourselves silly! It was so nice to spend time with her and she treated me to a few new items, which is always a plus! Thanks for hanging out with me, Momma! Glad you found some pretty dresses that make you feel as beautiful as you are!

While we were out I accomplished a new NSV! We stopped at Maurice's (of course) and I wanted to try on another pair of jeans because the ones I bought on my shopping spree a couple weeks ago are now too big. Well, it's not that I've lost significant amounts of weight and now they fall off... It's just in the store when I tried them on they fit perfectly because they hadn't stretched out. Now that they've been worn, they're completely baggy on me.

Size 17/18's that no longer fit.

So today I tried on a size 15/16 in the same style and they totally fit!!! 

YAY SIZE 16!!

So that was pretty darn exciting, if I do say so myself. I mean, I definitely am still 18s in most other things (I bought another pair of pants today that I had to get in 18s) but just that I can fit into at least one pair in a smaller size is HUGE for me. So exciting!

Hope y'all had a great weekend! 

'Night y'all!

BL Final Weigh-In, Before/After Pictures, Measurements, and Results

I don't think I've ever had the opportunity to cram so many Biggest Loser events into one post, so I'm kind of excited, ha. If you remember, my goal for this week was to be at 235. I didn't quite make it, but I did really well this week at drinking lots of water and curbing my cravings, so I was totally happy with what the scale had to say...

Stats for Week 8 (Final) Weigh-In with Biggest Loser:
Starting Weight for 2012: 262.2
Starting Weight for this round of BL: 246.4
Last Week's Weight: 239.0
Current Weight: 237.4

I don't have a picture of my scale this week because this round we started doing starting/final weight videos, instead of pictures. So, I guess I'll post my video... (don't think I've ever posted a video of myself before on the blog, so I apologize for the first one I post being shot 10 minutes after I woke up when I looked a hot mess)

Here's my before video, shot on  March 9, 2012

And my after video, shot on May 4, 2012

Despite not reaching my goal for the week, I am so happy to still be in the 230s. It has been a trend of mine to get out of the 240s one week and then bounce right back up the next week and I was so NOT wanting to do that this time. I really hope I can keep going lower, instead of the other way. As you can see in my weigh-in chart page, I've been gaining and losing within the same 10-15 lbs all year and I'm so tired of it. Really hoping this is the start of a new downward trend! 

As for my before/after pictures for this round of Biggest Loser... 

I tried something different this round and actually wore clothes (I know, shocker). Normally I wear a bathing suit or use my shorts/sports bra get-up. I wanted to wear clothes this time because that's how the outside world sees me and I wanted to see a difference from the outside world's perspective. Now that I say that, I'm realizing that the outside world will never see me in this outfit (ya know... outside of the people reading my blog) but just pretend I'm making a valid point for a second. 

Without further ado:

Before/After

Before/After

So, that's that. It's obvious the most noticeable change was in my tummy, not surprising. My before pictures are from immediately after a two-week long binge and when I binge, I bloat and my tummy pooches out (even more than normal). So that explains that... 

We also did before/after measurements this round of Biggest Loser, which I really liked to see those results. Not that they were significant, but it's nice to see changes there as well as the scale, so you know your body is actually shrinking. (Or, at least, it's nice for me).

First Measurements post

Second Measurements post

Current Measurements:

So I only lost 5 inches this time, but I'm really okay with that. I also learned I've been adding all this up wrong, because apparently I should be measuring both of my thighs and arms (and counting each measurement as a loss) and I've only been measuring one. So, I should have counted my thighs as having lost 2.5 instead of 1.25... same with my calves, upper arm, and forearm. WHOOPS. I'll go back and fix it all at some point, but haven't mustered up the motivation yet. Besides, I don't think it'd really be valid since I didn't actually measure the other sides and what if they weren't exactly the same? I don't want to just double the numbers and call it good because I don't know that they're the exact same number. Which is why I haven't done it yet because I'm not sure I want to. I might just start out fresh with the next round, do it correctly and go from there. 

Oh, either way... I was really happy to see my BMI/BMR go down. =]

And now for the icing on the cake for this round of Biggest Loser. Unexpectedly, I won 3rd place! When the results were posted yesterday I definitely did a double take. I feel like I worked hard this round, but overall I only lost 9 lbs in 8 weeks, so it's not like I did fantastic or anything. I was not expecting to place (and I wouldn't have if another participant had posted her final weigh-in video on time) so it was a complete surprise. I'm not sure how much I won (because it's never really about the prize money... I never expect to win) but whatever it is, it'll be a welcome sum! 

In my yoga class studio at 5:45 AM.

Hope y'all are having a great weekend!