I can't decide if I want to write this post or not.
My mind has been overloaded the last few weeks with studying, taking major tests, stressing over my no-job situation, trying not to stress over my no-job situation, being overjoyed about Braylen graduating, being scared out of my mind because he's quitting his job soon, losing tons of weight a few weeks in a row and then gaining some of it back...
I've just been out of control.
I feel out of place all the time, unless I'm with BDR or my family. I constantly feel like I'm putting on a happy face while inside I want to scream or cry. I can't tell you how many times over the past few weeks I've had to shut myself in a room and just put my head on the desk or lie on the floor to just, breathe. It's pathetic. And I don't say this to make anyone feel sorry for me. I'm being a whiny brat right now, and I know that. Which is why I'm trying to hold everything in lately. I don't want to compromise any chances I might have by being stressed or overwhelmed. I'm supposed to be able to handle all of this. I'm supposed to be flexible and be able to change plans at a moments notice.
And for the most part, I can.
Something has to give, though. The past few weeks, my diet has definitely been what has had to give. My mind has never been this warped concerning food before. I've gone down dark paths with my eating habits, sure, but I've always been able to get my way out eventually and start over. Everyday I tell myself that such-and-such is my start date (because that's always worked for me in the past, I set my mind and stick to it) and one thing leads to another and I break down. I have been breaking down too many times. I'm slowing starting to pull myself back in and face reality... My weigh-in with my ob/gyn is happening two weeks from today. I have to lose at least 14 lbs by then. I am capable of losing big numbers, but even for me that's a tall order.
The next few months will come and go just like the last few months. I don't want to wish the time living in between away, because I know each moment is a blessing. However, a part of me does wish I knew what was lying ahead. I so badly want to know whether I got this job. I so badly want to know where we will be working, living, driving everyday...
"'I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" -Jeremiah 29:11
I have got to believe that everything happens in His perfect plan.
I have got to believe that despite my insecurities and hesitations about the future, He has none.
I have got to believe in my marriage and its power to pull us through this stressful situation.
I have got to believe that anything is possible.
I have got to believe in me.