No, I'm not pregnant.
I woke up this morning from my second dream of the night about being pregnant. I immediately got up, peed into a cup, stuck the stick in, and waited. It was negative, just so you all know.
But that's not why I'm writing this post. Well, not really. Kind of. Okay, maybe it is.
In my dream I was so incredibly happy and excited to be pregnant. Everyone around me was. I had this sort of calm (in my dream) that I don't really anticipate will be my reality, but it was nice in the dream. It was like I gained years of wisdom once I found out we were expecting. This, again, will not likely be my reality. But it was nice to dream it that way.
The only thing is, in my dream I kept touching my belly and feeling like I was faking it. I kept feeling all the extra fat on my stomach and thinking... That's not a baby, that's just fat. I was disappointed thinking that I couldn't take pregnant belly pictures because no one would be able to distinguish the extra weight from a baby bump. I was disappointed thinking that anyone who felt my stomach wouldn't feel anything but extra fat.
I think that part of the dream would be a reality, if I were to get pregnant right now. Those are things I have feared in real life. It's completely and totally vain and superficial and doesn't matter in the slightest when you get down to it... But I feel like it came at just the right time for me.
As I said yesterday, we're starting the diet again tomorrow. That dream just adds to my list of motivations for wanting to finish this. My next ob/gyn appointment is May 4th and our goal was that I should have lost at least 30 lbs by then. Right now (due to my recent gains over the past two weeks) I have lost almost 15, so I'm halfway there. I'd be closer if I hadn't gained back some over the past couple weeks, but I can't let that guilt get in my way. I want to be under 200 by October. That's less than 50 lbs in 6 months. If I lose at least 10 lbs a month (which I know is pretty darn hard to stick with) I will more than reach that goal. If I really stuck to it, I'd like to be around goal weight (which is anywhere from 150-165) by January 2013. That is a big goal and I'm not sure how realistic it is to want to lose 100 lbs by then, but it's something to work for.
In fact, I'm going to the gym right now.