Sometimes I am amazed at what love is. Well, I guess most times. I never knew love could be this deep. This real. This overwhelming.
The other night, in particular, I was suddenly overwhelmed with the thought of losing Braylen. Or loving someone else if that were to ever happen. The thought, literally, makes my stomach hurt. I know (because he's told me I have to) I would move on, but the thought that I would ever have a need to move on from him breaks my heart. I never knew a love this good could be so painful with the thought of losing it. Maybe this is why people are afraid of love or being loved. It's not the relationship or commitment that's scary, although that's a huge part of it, I'm sure... But the thought of one day losing that relationship or commitment.
It's unimaginable to me to think of life without BDR, even though I lived nineteen years without knowing him. Every part of my imaginary future involves and revolves around him and our marriage. The thought of removing such a pivotal factor from the picture, frankly, leaves me breathless.
I hope I never need to find out what living life without him is like.