Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Five Steps Back

I don't know where to start.

One step forward, two steps back.

Only this time it was about five steps back.

I feel like shit, just like I knew I would.

And yet, I did it anyway.

Anybody that says you can't be a food addict needs to come visit with me.

I passed by one fast food place on the way home. Actually passed by... Resisted the temptation.

I made it home. Unpacked the groceries I just bought.

Good groceries.. Salad, yogurt, tomatoes, etc.

I called my husband, my best friend, for something to get my mind off of fast food.

He tried.

It didn't help.

My best friend/accountability partner told me about all the great (healthy) meals she ate today.

I told her I was on the verge of giving in.

She tried to help.

It didn't help.

I sat on the couch, not wanting to move because I knew if I did, it would be out the door.

But I did it anyway.

I drove through the torrential rain that came out of no where.

And when I say "came out of no where" I mean, as my intense craving for anything fast food grew, so did the intensity of the storm.

To think God can't control the weather to make a point is silly, in my opinion.

For example, as I pulled into Braum's the rain grew even heavier and suddenly hail dropped like bullets from the sky. As I sat in the parking lot.

I should've pulled away then. 

Instead I though "Hail damage be damned, I need that cheeseburger." 

I ordered the burger and large diet DP. 

Then sheepishly replied "yes" when he asked if I wanted large fries with that. 

I couldn't bring myself to ordered the heath/reese's mix I was craving. 

I could barely speak. 

They handed me the bag of food. 

It felt like holding a bag of garbage. 

I guess that's just about what it is. 

I thought about throwing it in the trash. 

I thought about burning it. 

I thought about finding a random person to give it to. 

And then I smelled the fries. 

I drove home. Sat down on the couch. Squirted the ketchup for the fries. 

And ate every bite. Including the cheese on the wrapper. 

I wish I had a happier ending. 

I wish I could say I was able to listen to my Father and stop myself.

I wish I could say I tried harder. Was stronger. Was better

But I didn't. I'm not. And I wasn't. 

I don't know what to say. Where to go from here. 

I guess a positive is that I resisted the temptation to purge (which I've never done, but thought about doing more times than I can count). 

Tomorrow's a new day. 

I wish I could say I'll do better tomorrow. And reality is, I probably will.

I haven't had a craving like tonight's in a long time.

But if that were true, that I could just guarantee I can control myself at all times, then I wouldn't be typing this post at all.

I would be telling you about how I had a great day at clinic and school today.

That my husband and I love each other now more than ever.

That I had absolutely no excuse to need comfort from food today.

That the support of BDR and one of my best friends helped me get past the silly craving I had.

That I longed for a stronger relationship with God than I do with food.

I wish I could say all of that. Especially the last part.

But I can't.

'Night y'all.

1 comment:

  1. I gave in and had fast food tonight, too. Gotta take it one step at a time, girl. I know you're strong enough to do this!


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