I don't know where to start.
One step forward, two steps back.
Only this time it was about five steps back.
I feel like shit, just like I knew I would.
And yet, I did it anyway.
Anybody that says you can't be a food addict needs to come visit with me.
I passed by one fast food place on the way home. Actually passed by... Resisted the temptation.
I made it home. Unpacked the groceries I just bought.
Good groceries.. Salad, yogurt, tomatoes, etc.
I called my husband, my best friend, for something to get my mind off of fast food.
It didn't help.
My best friend/accountability partner told me about all the great (healthy) meals she ate today.
I told her I was on the verge of giving in.
She tried to help.
It didn't help.
I sat on the couch, not wanting to move because I knew if I did, it would be out the door.
But I did it anyway.
I drove through the torrential rain that came out of no where.
And when I say "came out of no where" I mean, as my intense craving for anything fast food grew, so did the intensity of the storm.
To think God can't control the weather to make a point is silly, in my opinion.
For example, as I pulled into Braum's the rain grew even heavier and suddenly hail dropped like bullets from the sky. As I sat in the parking lot.
I should've pulled away then.
Instead I though "Hail damage be damned, I need that cheeseburger."
I ordered the burger and large diet DP.
Then sheepishly replied "yes" when he asked if I wanted large fries with that.
I couldn't bring myself to ordered the heath/reese's mix I was craving.
I could barely speak.
They handed me the bag of food.
It felt like holding a bag of garbage.
I guess that's just about what it is.
I thought about throwing it in the trash.
I thought about burning it.
I thought about finding a random person to give it to.
And then I smelled the fries.
I drove home. Sat down on the couch. Squirted the ketchup for the fries.
And ate every bite. Including the cheese on the wrapper.
I wish I had a happier ending.
I wish I could say I was able to listen to my Father and stop myself.
I wish I could say I tried harder. Was stronger. Was better.
But I didn't. I'm not. And I wasn't.
I don't know what to say. Where to go from here.
I guess a positive is that I resisted the temptation to purge (which I've never done, but thought about doing more times than I can count).
Tomorrow's a new day.
I wish I could say I'll do better tomorrow. And reality is, I probably will.
I haven't had a craving like tonight's in a long time.
But if that were true, that I could just guarantee I can control myself at all times, then I wouldn't be typing this post at all.
I would be telling you about how I had a great day at clinic and school today.
That my husband and I love each other now more than ever.
That I had absolutely no excuse to need comfort from food today.
That the support of BDR and one of my best friends helped me get past the silly craving I had.
That I longed for a stronger relationship with God than I do with food.
I wish I could say all of that. Especially the last part.
But I can't.