Mercy

My internal clock (and this little dancer in my belly) have already decided that waking up every 2.5-3 hours at night should happen NOW. So midnight, 3am, and 6am (unless it's a workday and I'm getting up at 5am) are times I am very familiar with now. And several other hours in the night where I'm woken up to turn over or just take note of the time passing in which I'm not getting good sleep.

That being said, some nights (like tonight), my body (and this little dancer in my belly) don't want to go back to sleep. So what should've been just a quick trip to the bathroom and back to bed at 12:35 wound up with me sitting here wide awake at 2:45.

How can I complain when all I'm thinking about is in a few months, this little dancer will no longer be in my belly... But right here with me? Nights will get harder, but I do look forward to spending LOTS of mama/daughter time together. I know that one day I will wish for nothing more than a night in which I can go back to sleep whenever my body says it's time, and not when it works around a baby's schedule. If you feel the need to point that out to me, then go ahead. Just please know that in this moment in time, I will promptly ignore those statements. Why would anyone want to stifle a mom-to-be's excitement about meeting and falling in love with her child?

Which brings me to something that I have gone over and over in my head and wanted to post about but didn't know how without being hateful or petty or rude or bitter.

Judgement.

Recently, there isn't a day that passes in which I don't hear or see someone being judgmental. And I am aware that in and of itself, this post is me being judgmental, so the irony/hypocrisy is not lost on me. Which is another reason why I haven't said anything.

Here's the thing... I have opinions about many things, like everyone does. Whether it be political, religious, parenting, hobbies, working, relationships, etc... I feel a certain way and have thoughts about all of those topics and much more. I don't always keep my thoughts to myself (though I have been much more lately for the very same reason this post is being written). Here's the thing... I have my thoughts and they may not be the same as yours. I don't pretend to think that my thoughts are better than yours. I don't pretend to like all of your thoughts.

But there is such a thing as consideration and respect for those around you.

I don't always agree or like what you have to say, and if I really don't like it... Then that's my choice to say.. Unfriend/hide you from FB or mention something privately to you (which I rarely do because it's not important enough to me to cause an argument over).

It blows my mind when people get bent out of shape about other people posted opinions/thoughts/ideas that they don't particularly agree with.

Some people post about:

• Sports
• Cute animal videos
• Animal pictures
• Baby pictures
• Disease awareness
• School
• Work
• Boredom
• Daily Thanksgiving posts
• Elf on the Shelf
• Military appreciation
• Recipes
• Political opinions
• Religious beliefs

The list seriously goes on and on and on and on and on because we all have a billion interests and activities that we want/decide to post about.  Whether or not I agree with your political opinions, care to watch the video you just posted, or want to hear what you made for dinner... I sure as heck care about you as a human being, your right/desire to say/think how you feel, and your emotions that may be damaged by me ridiculing or passing judgment on something you hold dear.

I am not perfect, and I imagine I hurt the feelings of those I care about more than I even realize. But I cannot imagine going out of my way and making a point of putting another person's beliefs/thoughts/feelings down. Granted, this post is inherently hypcritical because I'm posting about  not people passing judgment on other people's opinions... Which means I'm passing judgment on them for doing so. Hear me out...

I respect your right to have those opinions. If you don't like that I enjoy making posts during the month of November about the things I am thankful for, or if you get annoyed when I post yet another picture or status about my pregnancy, or if it takes up space on your timeline when I share the advertisements my husband posts for his business... Then please let me know and I will gladly hide my future posts from you, no hard feelings. In fact, there are several people I have already hidden, because I know somehow my posts have somehow offended or annoyed them. It only concerns me when people feel they have to make statements passive aggressively about not liking this or that (knowing full well their friends/family members have differing opinions) and disregard how this may affect whoever reads that particular post.

It's one thing to have an opinion and be passionate about that opinion, it's quite another to disregard all other opinions and the emotions of those with those opinions.

There are many things that I have absolutely no interest or relatively little interest in reading about... Sports, politics, recipe posts, advertisements, Elf on the Shelf, etc. That being said... I very much have interest in the friends and family who care about those topics. So if I don't want or care to see a particular post... It's amazing how easy it is to keep scrolling.

And you know who that hurts?? No one.

Granted, not everyone handles or responds to things in the same way and I've only ever been in my skin, so I can't say what will work for someone else. Maybe it's a need on your heart to make your opinions known, regardless of how anyone will respond. And that is your prerogative. When I read those posts, it's then my prerogative to hide them, if I find them too offensive.

All I'm saying is, it bothers me when people aren't kind towards one another. It makes me sad for them and sad for those who are affected by what they say.

Now I feel the need to apologize if I've offended anyone, particularly if you felt this post was aimed towards you. We are all guilty of this, at some point or another... So chances are some things I have said may have been offensive. I apologize if that's made you uncomfortable or angered or hurt in any way. This was most definitely not geared towards just a handful of people, but really people, in general (myself, included). As I said, we are all guilty of passing judgment on others at some point.

I just wish we shared a little more mercy, as well.

Things I Have Learned While Pregnant

Okay, so blogging is obviously not something I'm good at anymore. I've come to terms with it... I'm just not going to be consistent with it anymore. At least not now, and probably not ever. And I'm okay with that. I will when I can or when I feel inspired to do so. For the past few weeks, I've been compiling all of the things that have stood out to me so far in this pregnancy. I feel like I've learned SO MUCH in these nearly 17 weeks of being pregnant and that there's SO MUCH more to learn! I can't research, google, read, or watch enough! I get so excited about reading birth stories, watching documentaries about childbirth/breastfeeding, hearing my friends' experiences... I've seriously contemplated a change in careers to midwifery, ha. (Don't freak out, Mom... I won't actually change careers. Yet, anyway.) Learning about pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, and parenting has rapidly become my most favorite past-time. But not only have I learned a lot from reading/watching other people's ideas... I've learned a lot from my own experience, so far.

So here are just a few of the highlights that I've found. I know I'll have more to add later...

1. Modern maternity clothes were designed by the very best and most kind angels, I believe. Particularly maternity pants. I never want to take mine off, including to sleep, and I often find myself asking "Why wasn't I wearing these before I got pregnant?" Never in my life have I experienced pants so comfortable. I'm never afraid of crackage showing. Never afraid of muffin top. Never afraid of adjusting them. They. Are. Perfect. And the shirts? Sigh... All of my friends/coworkers have heard me go on and on. I'm just obsessed with maternity clothes and I think Motherhood Maternity will be my new store of choice, even after I have this baby. Why would I not want to be this comfortable all the time?? 
2. Speaking of comfort... The Snoogle. Go check it out... I'll wait. Seriously? This pillow was also designed in heaven. It took some getting used to and figuring out how to best maneuver around it at night (particularly when I have to get up 1-3x every night to pee)... But I think I finally have it mastered and now I'm in love. In fact, Braylen wants to buy one for him because he is so jealous of how comfortable it is. I will say, I have no idea how he and I and two of these pillows would fit in our bed (not to mention with Leia in bed with us). That is one downside... It takes up a lot of space.
3. I am fascinated by, intrigued by, excited for, and in awe of natural childbirth. Many of you probably know by now that Braylen and I have chosen to have a midwife versus an obstetrician and will be having our baby at home (barring any emergency situations or complications). This is not a decision we entered in to lightly. We prayed and talked about it for a long time, even before getting pregnant. But since making this decision, I can't tell you how relieved, at peace, and excited I am about actually giving birth. I have never been this excited about anything in my life... Not even our wedding (sorry, BDR). The more I learn about natural childbirth and its benefits for myself and the baby... The more I read birth stories from women who have had a natural experience... The more I plan our own birth experience... I literally get overwhelmed with excitement and anticipation sometimes! I'm sure as it gets closer, fear or anxiety will set in about the pain. I'm not naive to think it will be easy or perfect or exactly how I have it pictured. I know it will be messy. I know I will freak out at some point. But my goodness, the feeling afterward? That high? Ugh.. I have goosebumps just thinking about it. God may have other plans and we may not get to have natural, medication-free, home childbirth like we want. And that's okay. But preparing for it and going this route so far, versus appointments at a hospital (which I'm not condemning, by any means) has just felt so unbelievably right to us. I can't wait to see what else God is going to teach us through this experience. 
4. I think there should be a phrase added to Webster's: Potty Paralysis. There should most definitely be an ICD code for it, though it's more of a "condition", rather than a "disease". I often experience this when I'm at my 2:30 AM visit to the bathroom or my first morning trip or sometimes on my trips at work. Basically, Potty Paralysis is when you sit down to pee, do your business, and then remain seated there for who knows how long because you just can't remember how to stand back up OR it's just so much nicer to stay seated. Normally I think of absolutely nothing during this time (which can last anywhere from 1-10 minutes). It's almost like meditation. My mind is clear, I have no agenda (because my business is already finished), and all is right with the world (because I no longer feel like my bladder is about to explode). It's a good kind of paralysis. One that I look forward to and often have no intention of experiencing prior to it actually happening. I never go to the restroom expecting or planning to not get back up right away. It's just kind of one of those things that happens and I don't realize it's happened until a few minutes later when I remind myself "Oh, hey, you should probably go back to work." or "Maybe you should actually get dressed and start the day." Just saying.. I don't know if I'm the only one to experience this, but it's another welcome addition to my day.
5. There are an infinite number of things "they say" you absolutely should not ever ever ever do when you're pregnant. All the things you can't eat/drink... sushi, unpasteurized cheeses, most lunch meat, some fish, too much sugar, alcohol, raw cookie dough, Caesar dressing, lots of caffeine, and the list goes on and on. All the activities you shouldn't do (heavy lifting, contact sports, smoking, paint, etc. The thought has crossed my mind more than once... If I'm not supposed to do those things when I'm pregnant... Maybe I shouldn't after when I'm not. I know that is silly and obviously it's not something one would actually consider following through with (cos who could live without cookie dough?). But it makes me laugh sometimes to think about "Yeah, maybe I should never lift anything heavy again." or "No more painting" (like I do so much of that, as it is). I just love having a silly brain sometimes. 

Okay, this post has taken me all day to write because I keep getting interrupted by, like, cooking and going to the bathroom and paying attention to my husband and Call the Midwife and stuff. And now I can't think of any other tidbits to write about. I know I'll come up with more later.

What did you discover or become obsessed with learning about while pregnant? 

Maybe This Will Help?

I wish I had a better excuse for not updating more, besides being a walking, breathing zombie 24/7 and having zero motivation to do anything but go back to bed.

I am now writing this post because I think I need to. The past couple of weeks have been a little tough for me. Physically, I'm drained all the time (thus the zombie-talk). But aside from that... It's hitting me harder than I thought to be gaining weight and not fitting in my clothes. Especially because, being a big girl already, I didn't think my stomach would pop out as quickly as it is. Granted, I'm positive it's all fat/bloating and no baby... But it's still making it difficult to wear anything other than my yoga pants every. single. day.

I knew I would gain weight. I mean, duh. And I knew eventually my clothes wouldn't fit. Again... duh. But I guess it never dawned on me that mentally it would take time to wrap my head around the idea that this time is different. In the past, a gain on the scale meant failure on my part. My pants being unable to button was embarrassing and a sign that more gym time is around the corner. These days, I know weight gain and bloating are normal and expected... But emotionally, my mind still goes straight to feeling like a failure. Particularly because, unless I tell them, no one knows I'm pregnant. So I feel like everyone looking at me thinks "damn... eat a salad".

Normally I am not this self-depricating... Or at least I try not to be so public about it. But it's really been getting me down lately. I loath getting ready in the morning. Picking out what to wear is my least favorite part of the day. I pretty much hate the way all of my clothes look on me. I've started wearing my winter cardigans already, because I feel more covered and secure... Which is stupid because it's still really warm outside.

I constantly am predicting what others are saying in their head (when nobody's probably thinking a dang thing about me)... "Honey, if you feel fat/gross now... Just wait". Yeah, thanks for that encouraging tidbit. I don't want to think about how I will feel later. I feel cruddy enough as it is.

Sorry this is so cheerful. Maybe in a couple weeks when I'm into the second trimester my spirits will turn around. Despite this entire post, I promise I am still 100% thrilled to be pregnant. I know I am so blessed to be given this opportunity. It's shameful that I could complain about anything, given everything I've been blessed with. I just needed to get this off my heart.

'Night y'all.

My First Dream of You

Hello, my first born child.

It is currently 4:55 AM. I don't normally get up until 5:40ish, but today I was wide awake at 4:36. I had a dream about you and then I woke up and remembered almost every detail. I don't want to forget this dream, because it was so sweet (and so scary). So sit tight and let me tell you a little story...

In my dream you were born via water birth. (In real life, Daddy and I haven't decided on water birth or not, yet) I remember pushing and then all the sudden.... There you were! You were a boy, weighing 10 pounds, 1 ounce and 21 inches long. You were smiling and talking (though now I can't remember what you were telling me). Only I could understand you, but your Nonnie thought she could, too. Oh, she was there when you were born. I don't remember Daddy being there, but he probably was and I just forgot.

Anyways, I was standing up and walking around right after you came. We left our bathroom (where the pool had been set up) and walked out into the living room. But in my dream our living room at home turned into Oma & Opa's formal living room, and that's where everyone was waiting to meet you. Oma & Opa were there. Grandpa was there, making fun of my elementary school singing group, The Caroleers (who knows where that came from). A friend from elementary school was there, Amanda Todd, and a girl named Amanda Morris was there. I have no idea who Amanda Morris is, but I'm thinking it's probably Mommy's friend from work whose last name is Harris. Dream typo? I don't know. Those are the people whose names I remember writing down, but I know there were more. I think Carol was there and someone else, but I can't remember now. Everyone loved holding you and talking about how big you were. It began to occur to me... How did I get such a big baby out of me without any medications??

The whole time I remember bits and pieces of seeing our midwife clean up, make our bed, open the blinds, cook some type of herbal something-or-other for me to eat, and work silently in the background. I know this isn't an accurate portrayal of what our midwife will do in real life... But somewhere in my noggin that's what I imagined, I guess? I just remember trying to stay out of her way. Oh, and that when I saw her cooking, it wasn't in our kitchen, but in Grandpa & Nonnie's kitchen. It was there that I asked her about placenta encapsulation and if she offered that service. She told me to put the placenta in our deep freeze and we could send it within a week to her mentor to process.

So basically that's my dream. I can still see your big smiling face (which I know won't be the case when you're actually born). I can still hear your sweet little voice talking to me (which I definitely know won't be the case when you're actually born). I can still see the scale saying 10 lbs, 1 oz. (Dear God, I don't know if I'm ready for that to be the case when you're actually born).

I'm so happy I had this dream. However weird it may have been... I feel closer to you and feel your presence inside of me more than I did when I went to bed last night. So for that I'm thankful. I can't wait to meet you, little one... And find out just how big you are!

Love you so much,
Mommy

Week 6 Thoughts

I mean, nobody asked for my thoughts, but why not share them?

• Chances are, if you plan something before 10 AM and expect me to be there... You had better be my work and paying my salary. Otherwise, I physically cannot get out of bed. 
• Wonder how much flack I'll get for wanting to give birth naturally. Wonder how much it'll hurt my feelings to hear negativity. Wonder if I won't care at all. I wonder... 
• I am so unbelievably, indescribably, out-of-control excited for this little blessing. Occasionally I have a complaint (or two or three or four) because pregnancy is NOT what I expected... But I could not feel more blessed or happy to be given this gift. 
• Feeling blah all the time has made me appreciate just how little I feel sick the rest of the time (when I'm not pregnant). Now that I constantly feel gross, I have to remind myself, "you are NOT sick. You are pregnant. There's a difference. This is NORMAL." Because my tendency is to freak out, stay in bed all day resting, and not do any house work. (Okay, I probably just threw in that last part because I really don't want to do any house work)
• My husband is Superman, I'm convinced. He buys me all the pineapple, thin bagels, and ice cream I want and never complains. He also has become very good at reading my pouts. All I have to do is pout his way and he knows exactly what it is I need (and then gets it without me even asking!). I think it's a magic trick, but I haven't figured out the secret yet. 
• Current symptoms: interrupted sleep, exhaustion, frequent bathroom trips, reflux, mild heartburn, breast soreness/tenderness, mild cramping, minimal spotting, outrageous up/down emotions (including bursts of sobbing lasting 20 minutes to 2 hours), bloating, gas... POOR JOY TO BE AROUND, I tell ya. (More like poor Braylen)

And Baby Makes Three!

Well, the cat's out of the bag... We're expecting our first child! We one hundred percent could not be more excited (or scared or anxious or overwhelmed). Just to recap, this is what's been going on before we made the big reveal:

On June 27th, I woke up like I've done on countless other mornings... with the intent to take a pregnancy test. I figured it would be negative and I'd slip back in to bed for a few more minutes. However, a part of me wondered... Will this one be "the one"? My period was a week late... I felt like I'd waited long enough!
So I "administered the test" and waited some more...

(3 minutes is way too long, btw)

And there it was. Faint. But there was a second line.

I went to the living room and said "Umm... Braylen, can you come here?". He came into the bathroom and I said, "Well, I think we're pregnant" and handed him the test. He stared at it for a few seconds and said "it's definitely darker than the last time!" (when we had the false positive test) and then, in true Braylen fashion... Pointed out a pimple on my chin.

Sigh...

ADD does not fade with age, just FYI.

Anyways, immediately he asked for a "redo" response and hugged and kissed me. Then we got ready for work and went on our merry way.

Though, how the heck do you concentrate after getting THAT kind of shock at 6:00 AM?!

At lunch time, I hurried down to CVS and bought two different brands of tests (different than the type I took the first time). Once I got back to work I took them and voila... Two different tests with two very clear plus signs!

Based on whattoexpect.com and advice from a nurse friend, we calculated that we were about 7 weeks along. We made our first prenatal appointment for July 5th.  We were going to wait until 7-13-13 to tell our families, but I NEEDED MY MOMMY after the first week of symptoms and stress at work, so we would up telling my side of the family on the Fourth of July. It wasn't at all how we planned (I had grand schemes to take video/pictures of their responses), but it was intimate and sweet and my mom cried, so what else could I ask for?

However, my appointment on the 5th didn't go quite as planned. Once we got there, the doctor also figured (based on the date of my last menstrual period) I was about 7 weeks, 1 day. Which is far enough along to see something on an ultrasound, so much to my surprise, we went right to the ultrasound room! I was so excited to see Little Dot for the first time!!

But when all was said and done, she couldn't find a gestational sac... anywhere. The lining of my uterus was thickened (as it should be for a pregnancy), but there was no sac for Baby to grow in that was evident on the u/s, which, for 7 weeks along.. There most definitely should've been. The doctor sent me down to the lab to have blood drawn to check the level of hCG (human chorionic gonadotropin or the "pregnancy hormone" that increases significantly during the first part of pregnancy and is what's detected on a home pregnancy test). The doctor could see my anxiety about not having the u/s go off without a hitch. She reassured me that depending upon what my blood level is, it might just be that we're not as far along as we thought. She didn't say it, but of course my mind deduced that it's either that or we lost the baby. 

So when they called us 2 hours later with the results of the blood test to tell me my hCG level was 550 (much much much lower than it should've been at 7 weeks), my mind went to the worst possible scenario. I thought we lost the baby. 

The nurse told me to come back on Monday morning to draw my blood again and see if my hCG had doubled, as it should, and we would go from there. So from Friday to Monday, we pretty much had no idea how to feel. I think that's probably the most anxiety and sadness I've ever felt in my life. I also think that's probably the most I have ever prayed for anything in my life. Every spare moment I was in prayer that God would give us strength and patience to get through whatever it is we were going to go through. I knew whatever would happen is out of our control and we needed to rely on Him for strength to keep going. We had so many people praying with us, I could never begin to thank you all individually. We told Braylen's parents on the 5th about the pregnancy, though it was a much different kind of news than we thought. We expected to show them an u/s picture and make it a big, happy surprise. Instead, we told them with fear and uncertainty and requests for more prayer. 

Monday morning came around and I got to the lab as soon as the doors opened. Of course they didn't have my paperwork, so I had to wait another hour for the OB office to open. After that, it took less than 10 minutes for them to call my name and draw blood. Last time, it took them less than 2 hours to get back to us with results. So when I didn't hear back from anyone until lunch time, I started to panic. I decided to go down to the doctor's office and wait. I knew they were going as fast as they could, but it made ME feel better to be there. Within 20 minutes, the nurse came out to tell me... 

My hCG went from 550 on Friday to 1800 on Monday!!!! 

We made an appointment for another ultrasound for the next day, Tuesday July 9th, 2013. Braylen and my mom took off work to come with me again, which was so nice. We went right for the u/s room again because by that point my hCG would've been over 2000 (which is what it has to be, at least, to see something on u/s). As soon as she started, this is what we saw: 

 

That hole in the middle at the top is the gestational sac!! That is exactly what we were hoping to see!! It's right where it should be (in the uterus) and is currently measuring at about 5 weeks... Though it's still too early to date it well enough. 

We went from extreme anxiety/sadness over the weekend to over-the-top joy and thankfulness for this sweet little blessing!! I literally have never been happier about anything in my entire life. I've also never been this scared of losing anything in my entire life. But I know and have faith that God's timing and His plan are absolutely perfect. If anything, the [almost] scare we had last weekend reiterated that 10x over. It is impossible for me to do this without Him... Without His strength, comfort, and patience. I am so thankful that he brought us that milestone to go over because it showed us just how much we need him and just how important prayer is in our family. 

Today Braylen and I will be baptized. We planned to do this long before we found out about Little Dot, but it means even more to me now. There aren't enough words to express how I feel today. I am so blessed to have the opportunity to be baptized in front of our family and friends. I am so blessed to be baptized with our first child growing in my belly. I am so blessed to be baptized alongside my husband, my best friend, my partner in life, the father of my child. 

Today is a beautiful day.

Snapshots

Whenever I open blogger to make a post, the only content that ever comes out is baby stuff. Although that is what's on my mind 90% of the time.... This is what's in the other 10%...

My dogs in their natural habitat. Leia perched on the couch. Luke standing guard in the backyard. I just love my babies.

My honey had flowers sent to me at work in celebration of receiving my certification from the American Speech-Language-Hearing Association! I just love that guy.

This is my office after giving attempting to give a really involved, complicated language test to a 3 year old who did not want to be given a really involved complicated language test. I just love my job!!

My best friend and I during her last visit, because I miss her so much! I just love that girl!

So when my headspace isn't consumed by baby plans.... My thoughts are typically there!

But speaking of baby plans... It's a no-go for this month, as I started my period last night.

Big WOO HOO for my body doing what it should do, naturally...

Big BOOOOOO for my body not getting pregnant instead.

Just have to be more diligent in our efforts =]
(Sorry Mom and MIL... )

We're off to a Rangers game today with two good friends... Hopefully they win so Husband doesn't have to pout the whole ride home...

Then a 5k tomorrow! It's called Run for a Reason and this is the first annual. My personal trainer started it and I'm really excited to see the turn out! We are all supposed to write our reason for running (or working out) on our arm... I still haven't decided what mine is... But I guess I'll have to know by tomorrow! =]

Have a good weekend!

Good News!

I think I might have mentioned at some point that last week was our 3-year wedding anniversary, right? Anyways... The first two anniversaries I was in graduate school, so although we did take time to celebrate each year... It was always during finals week and I always had a lot on my plate. This year, since I'm not in school anymore, I decided to take time from work and spend it with Husband! I worked Monday & Tuesday last week, but took the rest of the week off so we could spend some time just enjoying each other...

That was the plan anyways.

(just kidding)

We did spend a lot of much-need quality time together. However, we also took care of a few "chores" and worked in other fun activities. I changed over my Oklahoma license plate and driver's license to Texas (barf), walked a 5k, had my car break down at the peak of the highest overpass in town (lovely), celebrated the graduation of a good friend, and spent time with our mothers for Mother's Day.

Oh, and I squeezed in my annual onemorereasontolovebeingawoman appointment.

Which actually turned out to be a highlight of the whole "staycation"! (more on that appointment here)


I mentioned in that post that they drew blood to test my luteinizing hormone, thyroid-stimulating hormone, testosterone, and follicle-stimulating hormone levels. Now, don't ask me what any of that stuff means. I googled them all and have some basic idea... But pretty much... All those things work together to regulate your cycle, including menses and ovulation. I know that leaves out a ton of details, but for my purposes... That's really all I needed to know.

Anyways, the results are in and.... (drumroll, please)....

It all came back within normal limits.

Um... Hallelujah?

Back when I had my appointment in January of 2012 (which you can find a post about here), we learned that my ovaries were covered in follicles (or cysts). The birth control I was on for the previous 1.5 years (Depo-Provera or "the shot") had pretty much eliminated my menstrual cycle (as it typically does for some women). So prior to this appointment, I hadn't had a period in 1.5-2 years, which would present itself as a build-up of cysts on my ovaries. My gynecologist (at the time) basically gave me two scenarios or explanations for why my ovaries were so cystic:

1. The cysts are due to not having a regular cycle for so long. In which case, the hope would be that once I got off BC and my cycles regulated, the cysts would "slough off" and my ovaries would be good as new.
2. The cysts are due to polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) and regardless of weight-loss or birth control, the cysts would remain and most-likely make conception/pregnancy more challenging (not impossible, just challenging).

Following this appointment, I was given Provera (which is a synthetic variant of the hormone progesterone, given to jump-start menstrual cycles) and a prescription to Beyaz.  "I bled for three moons" (sorry... had a Game of Thrones moment) and met with her again for a follow-up appointment in May 2012 (read about that here). At that time, I thought we would be doing another transvaginal ultrasound to monitor the status of those lovely cysts on my ovaries.... But was disappointed to find out it was just to report back on if my periods started. When I asked her if having my period those three months indicated whether or not PCOS is likely, she pretty much (at least to my understanding) told me that I have PCOS, whether or not my period started back up. I realize now I should have asked about a billion more questions and demanded another follow-up in six months to check out my ovaries once more.

But... hindsight is 20/20, and it's irrelevant now. Back to today...

Has it ever happened to you that you didn't realize you were completely and totally stressed about something until it's no longer a concern?

The nurse called and told me the good news (and she was totally excited for me, which felt awesome... Like she knew good things were about to happen in our lives very soon)... And I kept saying to her "Wow, that's really awesome! Thank you so much!" and we laughed and got excited for a second.

As soon as I hung up the phone, I immediately started sobbing... All while smiling uncontrollably.

It totally caught me off guard! I rarely cry these days, especially about something involving me... So to cry spontaneously and uncontrollably about being... happy? It felt amazing and put me in the best mood I've been in in weeks.

I don't take for granted that conception/pregnancy will now be a breeze. I still know where the control lies (and it's definitely not with me, or I'd have been pregnant May 7, 2010)... But I am so incredibly relieved to have one less obstacle on our path to parenthood.

Still praying that God blesses us when He feels we are ready... And praising Him every step of the way!

'Night y'all!

More Baby Business

Seeing as I decided part of this blog's purpose was to document our journey to parenthood, I definitely can't leave out my ob/gyn appointment today! She came recommended from a friend... And I found out today it was for good reason! Seriously... I love this lady! I'm so excited that she's our doctor!

First off, she isn't completely convinced I have PCOS. As my periods have been consistent since I got off BC in December and I don't have any of the other symptoms... PCOS isn't as likely.

Can you say... Relief?

She also said due to my young age and regular periods, she doesn't think we should have problems conceiving. If I'm not pregnant in six months, I'll go in to see her again and we'll look at everything a little closer. Today they drew some blood to test my estrogen, LH/FSH, and thyroid levels. I should get those results back in a couple of days. That will also give more info on the likelihood of PCOS.

Whether or not I have PCOS... I just loved that she was encouraging and positive. She really gave me hope that conceiving is within reach and doesn't have to be difficult (like I've always assumed it would be). Maybe it's false hope, but today... It made me happy.

Know what else makes me happy?

My husband. I just love that guy. Time and time again he shows me all the reasons I fell in love with him and married him. I'm just so proud of him and the man he is.

I just had to say it.

And I look forward to seeing him as a dad. Truthfully... I'm probably more excited to see his face and his reaction to meeting our children for the first time than I am to meet them myself! He is just going to be so good at it.

 Oh, but back to the conception business. I told Braylen he has to promise not to let me take any pregnancy tests until June. I don't want a repeat of what happened in March to happen again... Where I get anxious to take tests and start taking them before I even miss my period, so then I don't know WHEN I can stop taking them because I don't know if I should've had my period or not.

You do not want to know the crazy that happens in my brain about this baby business. Sigh...

'Night y'all!

Too Much Time to Think

My husband was away this weekend. As he hasn't been working for a month or so, we've been spending a lot of time together (he drives me to/from work and we're at the gym together 2-4x week, plus time at home). So this weekend was the first time in a couple months I haven't had any plans and could stay at home... and the first time EVER in this house that I've spent a weekend without BDR.

Of course I missed him... Who wouldn't miss a guy who leaves a note like this for me to find when I come home from work??

"Dear Kaycie, The best part of this trip will be coming home to you. I love you with all my heart. -Braylen Oh! Check inside the fridge" (He made tootie fruity for me and left it in the fridge =] )

Aside from missing him, though, I really enjoyed the time to myself. My mom stayed with my one night, which was really nice. The rest of the time I just... relaxed. 

I will say, it gave my mind a lot of time to wander. Or maybe I should say "reflect"... That sounds a little better, to me. I've got a lot of things running through my mind about this conception business. I haven't visited an ob/gyn since my last appointments (which I wrote about here and here in January & May of 2012), when I found out I have PCOS. I haven't been on birth control since December 2012. I thought for sure I wouldn't menstruate naturally (without BC), as every time I went off BC before, my periods stopped. However, I have only missed one period since December. Granted, that doesn't mean much as far as ovulation goes, as I could be having anovulatory bleeding... But it makes me feel like my body is doing what it should be doing, without medication. 

But then I read forum posts and articles about PCOS and it throws my positivity out the window. I fit all the criteria, even still. It's so scary to read all the heartache and hurts other women (and their spouses/partners) often go through when trying to conceive with PCOS. We're just starting on this journey, and I'm so afraid. 

And then I just get pissed off at myself for allowing my weight to be such a barrier for my future. It's just a shame that year after year I say the same things... That I will strive to become more active and healthier to lower the risks during pregnancy with PCOS (or to possibly eliminate PCOS entirely!). And year after year I'm still 260 lbs... Struggling to find lasting determination to lose. 

We want this so badly... Have waited since we got married for the time we could finally start "trying". I'm not ruling anything out or saying it's not possible. I still fully believe that God will provide on His time, when He feels we are ready for such blessings. 

I think I just had too much time to think this weekend. I need to have faith and trust in His timing. I also need to be more faithful in taking care of the "temple" He provided me. I could really use some prayer in that department.
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I'm only working two days this week. Tuesday is our 3 year anniversary (can you believe it??), so I'm taking Wednesday & Thursday off (and I don't work Friday). Saturday we're running our first 5k. I should probably be nervous or anxious or something... But at this point, I just want to be done with it. I'm not feeling competitive at all. Running is NOT my thing. I wouldn't even do it, if I hadn't already signed up with a group and have friends running, too. I'm just not into it at all. But at least I can say I've completed one, right? 

'Night y'all!

Insanity/Crazy Town

The more we think about our decision to start a family sooner rather than later, the more at peace we feel about it. Of course I'm sure everyone always intends not to stress about it and hyper-focus on each month's ovulation/menstruation cycle and then inevitably becomes a crazy person about it. Of course I hope not to drive myself batty over it, but I likely will. Just praying that God gives us peace, an open heart, and a clear mind to respond well to whatever situation we find ourselves in. I know this will likely take time, given my PCOS and inconsistent cycles. But I'm praying I become more and more okay with that. It will give me time to get that much more in shape and that much more healthy to endure pregnancy/childbirth/running around after a toddler! ha.

In other news, our lives are crazy town right now! Bray has been between jobs for a month or so now, which is good because my house stays clean and I usually have meals ready for me. Not to mention our weekends our ours, which is nice. Though, every weekend for the past month and a half has been booked solid. I'm taking off half of our anniversary week to give us time to relax/celebrate/breathe. Hopefully I can recollect my sanity at that point.

Speaking of that week... Our anniversary is the 7th, and on the 11th we walk/jog our first 5k! Then the following weekend on the 18th we run our second 5k. To say I am anxious/apprehensive/freaking out with be an understatement!

I'm using a lot of backslashes today. Forward slashes? Which is which?

It's 9:23 PM and I haven't taken my shoes or coat off from getting home from work/gym over an hour ago. Sigh.... It's time for bed.

'Night y'all!

When One Door Closes, Another One Opens

I've waited a long while to make this post, because I wanted to be sure there wasn't bigger news we needed to share.

Last month, there was a two-week period where I felt super nauseous, dizzy, headachey... Missed my period... All the classic symptoms of pregnancy. So I took a pregnancy test, and it was positive!

But then I took another one and it was negative.

So over the two weeks following I took about 6-8 MORE tests, which were all negative.

I'm saying this now, because this month I did have my cycle, so pregnancy is ruled out. Guess my body was just going through something funky at that time? And I guess we just had a wonky preg test. Who knows!

It got us thinking though about when/how we start our family, because for one day we actually thought we were pregnant. Of course we were over the moon excited (at least I was)... But we were also a little disappointed that our trip to Dominican in September would be... different than expected. I didn't want to be pregnant when we went on vacation, so we were somewhat waiting until after we got back to start actively trying to start a family.

Okay, so fast forward to now. Yesterday we found out that we won't be going to Dominican, after all. Which, of course, we're bummed about. But really? I almost feel like this is God's way of telling us "it's time to take this family thing more seriously". Kind of like... It's time to stop putting other things in front of creating a family.

So, get ready for some interesting posts over the next few months and years. Who knows when God will bless us with a child, but we sure are ready and very much looking forward to it... the highs and the lows!

'Night y'all!

It's What's on the Inside That Counts

From the beginning of February to now, I've made the following changes:

Body Fat: 41.8% to 35.7%
Fat weight: 113.7 to 96.4
Lean weight: 158.2 to 173.6
Body water: 45.8% to 49.2%
BMI: 43.7 to 43.4

Every one of those numbers is moving in the right direction. My lean weight vs. fat weight has improved, I'm bringing in so much more water, and my percentage of body fat has decreased 6% in 6 weeks!

Yet.... I've only lost 2 lbs on the scale.

Here's what I'm sayin'... The scale is not everything. My body (on the inside) is changing and becoming healthier. And even on the outside... I'm losing inches and my clothes are nearly falling off. If I put all my determination, motivation, and faith onto the scale... I would've given up weeks ago. I really wish other women realized just how much more there is to look for to find "success".

Do I wish that the number on the scale reflected the changes also? Ehhh... Sure.

But I know that if I continue to put in the work and those numbers keep moving in that direction.... It's only a matter of time before the scale reflects it, as well.

I am so excited.

Thank You, Biggest Loser

I think I finally finished my last Biggest Loser round. Yesterday was final weigh-in and I did not place or win... But I feel like I got what I needed from the group, finally.

I've been participating in these groups off and on for two years (can't believe it's been that long!). In the beginning it started off (for me) purely as competition. I was motivated by the idea of winning, and I actually did place third in the first round. I've participated 5 or 6 times since then (I lost count) and haven't placed. I always lose weight and get so much support and encouragement, which is the whole point so that's wonderful. But I think I might be finished. I still intend to participate in a group for support/encouragement, because that is always helpful, but the competition part of it, for me, I think is over.

I used to think that to hold myself accountable for what I eat and how much I exercise, I needed to weigh-in once a week. I do think that having some measurable way to keep track of progress is essential, not only to have accountability, but also to give you a boost of confidence and pride when you're feeling like you're getting nowhere. I think I will start measuring in other ways.

When I started out (again) in January, I had it in my mind that I wanted to lose 100 lbs by September. A lot of people looked at me like I was nuts... 1) because most didn't think I had a hundred to lose and 2) because that's a lot of weight to lose in not a lot of time. I still have that number in the back of my mind, and I'm sure it would be so nice to reach that goal by Sept (when we are supposed to go on our trip to Dominican Republic). But I think now instead of "reaching 100 lbs lost", I want to try to find another goal to reach. I think that one is attainable, but I'm realizing more and more that the achievements I reach off the scale are so much more valuable to me, and what I think, ultimately, will be more sustainable.

• I have gone to the gym 4-6 times per week for the past 8 weeks. 
• I drink 6-9 bottles of water per day.
• No more fast food, though we do eat out and I have a "fun meal" usually once per week.
• I no longer crave Diet DP, though I have one occasionally just to remind myself how little I want it and how bloated it makes me feel.
• I'm looking damn good in my clothes (at least, that's what Husband tells me).
• My flexibility is improving as I stretch at the gym. 
• I can jog for 5 minutes straight (though I still feel like death, which hopefully I won't very soon).
• My mile has improved from 15:15 to 13:45 in the past 3 weeks. 
• The weights when I lift increase every day. 
• I attend 2 classes at the gym and at least 2 personal training sessions each week. 
• Our lunches are prepared and frozen over the weekend, so I have no excuse during the week. 
• Braylen & I have dinner together at work before the gym every night. 

I could keep going, but I think you get the idea.

I "only" lost 18.5 lbs this round in Biggest Loser, whereas the first round I lost 30.2.

But, given the above list... I refuse to feel poorly about that. I refuse to give in to self-doubt & self-deprecation and sabotage all the progress I've made. My body is healthier than it was 8 weeks ago. My mentality towards food & exercise is healthier than it was 8 weeks ago. So, regardless of what the scale says or that I placed 10th in a weight loss competition... I am doing this. I am the person I want to be. It's already happened. Not 100 lbs from now... Right now. This is the person I hoped to become. I am not the healthiest I could be because of the choices of made in the past and how much extra fat I still have to lose. But I've crossed the wall that's been holding me back all this time.

I am so thankful to Braylen's cousin, Carli (who also happened to win this round of BL!!) for starting the competition two years ago, and I'm so blessed by all the women who've come in and out of the group. It's so inspirational to see their journeys and success stories. I pray that we can all continue to take the steps necessary to achieve health & wellness in the next 8 weeks, and the next, and so on...

January 2013

February 2013

Whose Blog is it Anyway?

Over the past few days, as I try to ease my way back into posting... I've been brainstorming: What direction do I want to take Unexpected Fortune? I've never had a clear-cut focus to my blog, but somehow, somewhere it shifted... And now I have no idea where it's headed!

It started as a space to write about the highs/lows of grad school and then quickly changed because lezbihonest... Going to grad school is not exactly thrilling... So reading about grad school? Snooze fest!

Please don't hate me for watching Jersey Shore.

So then I started writing about the 17 Day Diet--What we were eating, recipes we liked, setbacks, weigh-in's, etc. That worked for a long time because it's been a struggle for a long time.

Now?

Yes, I still struggle with proper nutrition/exercise. But I feel like I'm getting in a routine (Hallelujah!!) finally and can move on to the next thing.

What is the next thing?

I'm sure I will always write about health/wellness, because it will be a huge part of my life for the rest of my life. If I were to be honest, though, my heart and my mind are definitely focused on something else...

All of these goals I've had in the past (i.e. obtaining a Master's degree, losing weight, building muscle, finding a church home, etc.) have all been a means to an end:

Motherhood.

For as long as I can remember, being "Mom" is what I have wanted. I want all of it. The pregnancy, delivery, sleepless nights, breastfeeding, moments alone rocking them to sleep, learning lessons the hard way, seeing my parents and in-laws light up meeting their grandchild, seeing my husband become Daddy and all the changes that he will make, watching them take their first steps, say their first words, kissing their boo-boo's to make it all better....

I want it so badly. I think about it daily... often hourly.

So when I open up blogger to write a new post... It's often all I want to write about. And I worry "Will I seem selfish?" "Am I obsessing too much?" "Who wants to hear this?" "I should be thankful for what I have."

And I am thankful. SO thankful. I just know what I was meant to become. Some way, some how... I am meant to be a mother.

And I would like to document my journey to motherhood.

So, for now, I'm going to put those worries aside and use this blog for what it's for..... Me.

To be clear, though... I will talk about all those others things (church, health, exercise, BDR, puppies, etc.) as well. I just feel that this new direction is one worth mentioning.

'Night y'all!

"Driving Slow on Sunday Morning"

Happy Sunday, everyone!

I write this as we get ready to head to church. We haven't been really good about going since the holidays, so we're trying to get back in the habit again.

It's kind of funny, because around the time we stopped going to church was the time we started making good choices for health/exercise. It always makes me wonder... Why is it that not everything can be going well, all at once? Why can't we do really well in one area, without another area falling short?

So we're making a conscious effort to make our spiritual lives be just as much of a priority as our physical well-being. It is, in our minds... But looking at our day to day lives, I'm ashamed to say you wouldn't know it. Occasionally we do well and remember to pray together. And in our hearts, God is number one. But it's so easy to just know and trust in that and not actually build on the relationship. It's like I "check out" on praying, reading devotionals, reading the Word... Because I know Jesus is LORD.... And he knows I know that.... So he knows why I'm not putting time into Him.

Which is just plain ridiculous.

I shouldn't put time into anything else that's not glorifying to Him. And truthfully, the things I'm doing likely are glorifying Him... I just don't regularly take the time to thank Him for it. I need to be better.

I will be better.

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The crock pot is on and cooking away.... This week's menu:

Pesto Ranch Crock Pot Chicken
Crock Pot Fried Rice
Crock Pot Garlic Lime Chicken

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BDR & I took a walk yesterday to the "falls" in our new town. It feels so good to call this place "home". Love this life we have together!!

Well, This is Awkward...

I never know how to start a blog post when it's been weeks or months since the last time I've written. Do you mention the time away? Do you ignore it? Should I feel guilty or should I not feel guilty?

Who the heck knows...

I haven't written because I've just been laying low for a while. As much as I love and appreciate all of the feedback I get from this blog and from facebook, there are some things I just don't want other people's opinions about. Husband and I have made a LOT of changes lately. Things are just starting to calm down (relatively), and I finally feel like we're developing that new "normal" I've been so looking forward to.

But back to being away for so long and then trying to write a post...

I feel like I need to play catch up and explain what's been happening these last few months. But let's be honest...

 

So in a nutshell (because you know how much I love lists): 

•  I'm still loving my job/coworkers/clients. Like, seriously? It's unbelievable, this company I work for. I wish everyone had this opportunity... I feel ridiculously blessed. 
• Our home is still just so perfect for us. We have zero complaints (outside of poor cell/internet reception). I pray that we can stay here forever! 
• Husband is still in the process of finding a job/career he loves. We're both just so happy he's not having to do night shifts anymore. It's doing wonders for our relationship! 
• We found a church home that we really love and were going regularly for a long while. Since the holidays, we're struggling to get back in the swing of things, but hopefully it'll fall back into place soon.
•  I'm finally getting my butt together on the health/exercise front. I see a personal trainer twice a week, which has seriously been so much fun. My trainer is unbelievable and kicks my butt!! I love it!! Total, I work out for an hour 4-5x/week. I've been making tons of crock pot meals each weekend, so we never have an excuse of "not wanting to cook". Since January 4 I've lost 19 lbs. This time around, the weight is not coming off as quickly, and for a while I was worried. But now I see that it is coming off, it's coming off at a healthy/sustainable pace, I'm physically feeling so much better, and I'm just.. happy. It's not easy, but nothing worth having in life usually is.
• Braylen and I are going on a trip to Dominican Republic in September (which is a HUGE motivation on the health/wellness front). After which time, we will start trying to grow our family. This is probably what I'm most excited about and could write 10 posts over, so I'm just going to stop there.
• Last and probably most importantly... The puppies are doing just fine. Luke & Leia love the new house... Big back yard, big windows to bark at the golfers across the street... They love it! 

Luke in his back yard & Leia on her favorite perch

My sweet baby girl giving sad eyes to me.

Luke cooling off from being outside.

Obviously the dog obsession hasn't changed (did anyone realistically expect it to?). 

Life is fantastic and I have no complaints.

I doubt that I will consistently update, as apparently I suck at this blogging thing. So, just as a warning... My posts will likely always be sporadic and random. 

Have a Happy Friday!