Sunday, May 5, 2013

Too Much Time to Think

My husband was away this weekend. As he hasn't been working for a month or so, we've been spending a lot of time together (he drives me to/from work and we're at the gym together 2-4x week, plus time at home). So this weekend was the first time in a couple months I haven't had any plans and could stay at home... and the first time EVER in this house that I've spent a weekend without BDR.

Of course I missed him... Who wouldn't miss a guy who leaves a note like this for me to find when I come home from work??

"Dear Kaycie, The best part of this trip will be coming home to you. I love you with all my heart. -Braylen Oh! Check inside the fridge" (He made tootie fruity for me and left it in the fridge =] )
Aside from missing him, though, I really enjoyed the time to myself. My mom stayed with my one night, which was really nice. The rest of the time I just... relaxed. 

I will say, it gave my mind a lot of time to wander. Or maybe I should say "reflect"... That sounds a little better, to me. I've got a lot of things running through my mind about this conception business. I haven't visited an ob/gyn since my last appointments (which I wrote about here and here in January & May of 2012), when I found out I have PCOS. I haven't been on birth control since December 2012. I thought for sure I wouldn't menstruate naturally (without BC), as every time I went off BC before, my periods stopped. However, I have only missed one period since December. Granted, that doesn't mean much as far as ovulation goes, as I could be having anovulatory bleeding... But it makes me feel like my body is doing what it should be doing, without medication. 

But then I read forum posts and articles about PCOS and it throws my positivity out the window. I fit all the criteria, even still. It's so scary to read all the heartache and hurts other women (and their spouses/partners) often go through when trying to conceive with PCOS. We're just starting on this journey, and I'm so afraid. 

And then I just get pissed off at myself for allowing my weight to be such a barrier for my future. It's just a shame that year after year I say the same things... That I will strive to become more active and healthier to lower the risks during pregnancy with PCOS (or to possibly eliminate PCOS entirely!). And year after year I'm still 260 lbs... Struggling to find lasting determination to lose. 

We want this so badly... Have waited since we got married for the time we could finally start "trying". I'm not ruling anything out or saying it's not possible. I still fully believe that God will provide on His time, when He feels we are ready for such blessings. 

I think I just had too much time to think this weekend. I need to have faith and trust in His timing. I also need to be more faithful in taking care of the "temple" He provided me. I could really use some prayer in that department.

I'm only working two days this week. Tuesday is our 3 year anniversary (can you believe it??), so I'm taking Wednesday & Thursday off (and I don't work Friday). Saturday we're running our first 5k. I should probably be nervous or anxious or something... But at this point, I just want to be done with it. I'm not feeling competitive at all. Running is NOT my thing. I wouldn't even do it, if I hadn't already signed up with a group and have friends running, too. I'm just not into it at all. But at least I can say I've completed one, right? 

'Night y'all!

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