The Most Ridiculous Post

I'm avoiding my blog. I know it hasn't been too incredibly long... But when you're used to writing everyday, going this long without a real post feels like a year. I'm not entirely sure why I'm avoiding it, but here's where I'm at these days..

I lost a close friendship of mine that's been on/off for several years. Surprisingly, this is the event that's probably least impacted me lately, considering how unsteady our relationship has always been. I suppose a part of me assumed it wouldn't last anyways. I will say that this falling out has caused me to take a much closer look at the other relationships in my life. 

Recently I've had a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that the only people I can really count on are my family (this includes [most of] my in-laws). My mind has always been pretty much based in fantasy when it comes to friendships: I've always longed for that we've-been-best-friends-since-birth friendship, and obviously I've never had that (it's hard to start one of those once you're... ya know... a couple years past birth). I always wanted to have friends I knew weren't going anywhere. Recently I'm realizing the only people I can truly count on to never leave my side are my family. Despite being incredibly lucky to have an amazing family to always be able to count on, it's hard for me to let go of that fantasy of unconditional friendship. 

That being said, I do have friends who have been very faithful and wonderful to me. I suppose what brought many of these emotions up is the birthday party I threw myself last weekend. I mentioned it several times here on the blog, and I spent several weeks planning, decorating, and getting excited about it. Braylen was 100% on board (after all, it was his idea) and many of my friends (term applied loosely) were telling me how good of an idea it was and how excited they were to come. However, out of the 40+ friends I invited, 12 of them came. Twelve amazing people that I am so grateful to have in my life. And I'm kicking myself for being disappointed, because I did have a good time and I am so fortunate to have at least twelve people who are willing to take time out of their lives to hang out in my living room listening to Christmas carols and playing Apples to Apples with me. There are many people who could not come for reasons out of their control or for plans that had already been made, and I am not at all saying everyone should drop their lives to hang out with me. My pride was just a little hurt to have made thank you gift bags for 40 people, food for 40 people, and decorations for 40 people... And much less than half of that to share it with. 

I AM WHINING. I know. I have absolutely no good reason in the world to ever complain about anything. No reason. It doesn't make sense. I know this, and I know I'm being ungrateful. I know my friends don't deserve for me to be acting this way, and that I should snap out of it. I hate every word that I've typed and I am wholly tempted to highlight it all and delete it. But this is my area to vent out my feelings and I'm hoping to get this crap out and leave it behind. 

I am embarrassed that more people didn't come to my birthday party. There. I said it... And no, I promise I'm not 6 years old.

I am embarrassed that I thought people would come to my party and planned for such.

I am embarrassed that I blew 8 weeks of dieting/exercising and am right back to my starting weight for the third round of Biggest Loser.

I am embarrassed that despite knowing I've blown the last 8 weeks, I ate chips, queso, a burger, and french fries for lunch today.

I am embarrassed that my food addiction is in full force.

I am embarrassed that I've hidden my life away from this blog for the past few weeks.

I am embarrassed that I act like a child and am awful and rude to everyone at school because I hate school so much.

I am embarrassed that my attitude is so horrible I'm squandering this opportunity to have a good time in graduate school (if a "good time" is even possible).

I am embarrassed that my attitude is such that I'm not treating my husband as fairly or with as much grace as he shows me on a daily basis. 

I am embarrassed at who I am lately. I don't like this woman, and I don't feel like I'm being myself. I feel awful. All the time. And I feel like school is the reason. I dread going, I hate being there, and I can never get back home fast enough. It's only a matter of time before it's over, this I definitely know. But how do I keep myself from being miserable for the next year? 

I know... Grow a pair, woman up, and quit whining about it. 

I am a baby, and I don't know how to quit. 

This is the most ridiculous post I've ever written.