It's hard to know where to start. It's been nearly two months since I've written anything so there's a lot I could catch you up on.
We have a new baby in our lives, as of October 22nd. She was born on August 8th and is now 17 weeks old. Her name is Leia. Her and Luke get along beautifully, and we couldn't have chosen a more perfect little one to add to our family. She's such a joy.
Probably the biggest change in our life has been something we've kept more private. Over the past couple of months, we've been talking and praying with one another about starting a family. Well, a family in addition to our puppies, that is.
We decided that I would stop getting my birth control shot and have not been using any type of birth control since September. It is something we have talked with one another about for several months now and decided that now is the right time. Were we to become pregnant now, both of us would be graduated and into careers. We decided from the beginning that choosing to not take birth control doesn't mean that we're "trying", because we don't want to put that kind of pressure on ovulation schedules and things like that. We wanted to relieve the pressure of NOT getting pregnant. That's always been the goal: "Well, we can't get pregnant now because the time isn't right". Now, since we're not taking BC to stop a pregnancy, whenever the time is right, God will bless us with a child.
I try so hard to maintain that attitude.
But for the past six days I've been feeling nauseous sporadically throughout the day (Note: I haven't thrown up since elementary school, so nausea isn't something that happens to me often). I've been smelling things I normally wouldn't smell. I just have this feeling. And that's silly to say because I don't know what it feels like to be pregnant. But it just felt real this time.
And then a single line appeared on the test.
I try so hard to maintain that attitude. I know God's timing is better than my own. I just feel like everything I've been experiencing for the past six days and the "feeling" I had was in my head. And that scares me. I feel like when/if I ever am pregnant, I won't believe it. I don't know how many pregnancy tests I've taken, all with a negative result. We wanted to wait until Friday to take it, but I couldn't wait anymore because of all the "symptoms" and the feeling I've had lately. At the same time, I procrastinated doing it this morning because I was afraid it would be negative. And then it was.
I shouldn't complain because I know some people try for years and are never able to conceive. I am just fearful that that could be us. It's hard for me to admit that, because we will be happy with or without children and I'm being selfish.
It was just a hard day, and tomorrow will be better.