Sometimes, it's just easier to blog than it is to try to deduce my thoughts down to a FB status update.
I don't know where to begin.
Well, I took another pregnancy test this morning. Negative, of course. And I continued with my day. Honestly, didn't even think about it much. For 12+ hours. Then tonight, as I was getting ready for bed... I sat down on the floor to play with my puppies for a bit before putting them in their beds. I was sitting on the floor, petting them, and they ran off into another room, leaving me in the bedroom. For some reason, it hit me in a rush. Nothing triggered it. I just... Didn't want to get up. I didn't want to do anything. Talk to anyone, close my eyes, move... Nothing. I just sat there. I didn't know what to do.
We bought a copy of What to Expect When You're Expecting a couple of months ago at a garage sale and I've skimmed through the first 2-3 chapters several times since then. I picked it up again tonight (as I do most nights) and was reading over several pages but had to put it down. It hit me suddenly that none of it applies to me. Even the preconception aspects. Taking pregnancy tests is a joke. I have only had one period in the past 21 months, and that was back in February. (This halt in menstruation was due to birth control)
It is a joke to continue taking pregnancy tests. Hell, I can't even use the ovulation strips I bought. None of it applies to me because my body doesn't work yet. I keep hoping that something will happen, despite every bit of knowledge I have that screams otherwise, and I need to just come to grips with it.
It's hilarious... You take birth control and are scared for years hoping to not get pregnant. Now that it's finally a possibility... What? Nothing?
Sometimes, I just want a good cry. The kind of cry that leaves you sobbing and snotty and looking like a fool. I don't cry like that anymore. I don't know why, it just doesn't come out. Tonight, I want to cry and... Nothing.
I promise I am not as mopey and outrageously out of proportion in real life (all of the time). I just need an outlet. I know my life is wonderful. I know our time will come, and that if it doesn't come it only means God has different plans for us. I know that we've only been "trying" for a short time and many people try for years and sadly never get positive results. I am incredibly selfish and have no room for complaint. I apologize if I've offended or upset anyone by this post. I should highlight it and delete it all, and maybe I will tomorrow.
But I needed something tonight.