Saturday, December 17, 2011


Sometimes, it's just easier to blog than it is to try to deduce my thoughts down to a FB status update.

I don't know where to begin.

Well, I took another pregnancy test this morning. Negative, of course. And I continued with my day. Honestly, didn't even think about it much. For 12+ hours. Then tonight, as I was getting ready for bed... I sat down on the floor to play with my puppies for a bit before putting them in their beds. I was sitting on the floor, petting them, and they ran off into another room, leaving me in the bedroom. For some reason, it hit me in a rush. Nothing triggered it. I just... Didn't want to get up. I didn't want to do anything. Talk to anyone, close my eyes, move... Nothing. I just sat there. I didn't know what to do.

We bought a copy of What to Expect When You're Expecting a couple of months ago at a garage sale and I've skimmed through the first 2-3 chapters several times since then. I picked it up again tonight (as I do most nights) and was reading over several pages but had to put it down. It hit me suddenly that none of it applies to me. Even the preconception aspects. Taking pregnancy tests is a joke. I have only had one period in the past 21 months, and that was back in February. (This halt in menstruation was due to birth control)

It is a joke to continue taking pregnancy tests. Hell, I can't even use the ovulation strips I bought. None of it applies to me because my body doesn't work yet. I keep hoping that something will happen, despite every bit of knowledge I have that screams otherwise, and I need to just come to grips with it.

It's hilarious... You take birth control and are scared for years hoping to not get pregnant. Now that it's finally a possibility... What? Nothing?

Sometimes, I just want a good cry. The kind of cry that leaves you sobbing and snotty and looking like a fool. I don't cry like that anymore. I don't know why, it just doesn't come out. Tonight, I want to cry and... Nothing.

I promise I am not as mopey and outrageously out of proportion in real life (all of the time). I just need an outlet. I know my life is wonderful. I know our time will come, and that if it doesn't come it only means God has different plans for us. I know that we've only been "trying" for a short time and many people try for years and sadly never get positive results. I am incredibly selfish and have no room for complaint. I apologize if I've offended or upset anyone by this post. I should highlight it and delete it all, and maybe I will tomorrow.

But I needed something tonight.


  1. You know, a lot of times I feel just like this. Typical for a Mormon girl to feel this way, right? All they do, it seems, is reproduce. I truly believe that women want kids more than most things in this world. Before Brian and I got married, we agreed to wait for at least a year, until I finished up school. It seemed to me though, that right after we got married, babies is all I wanted. I knew I needed to wait, but I couldn't help but talk to my husband every night about wanting kids. We still haven't begun trying, but I did get off of birth control too in hopes of an "accidental" pregnancy. :) But alas, no baby. I feel like what you have written down in this post is how I feel every 28 days. Babies are important. They build your family. I know someday I will have kids, and so will you. Life is hard when you want something so bad. Children are so precious. I hope both of us can have one someday

  2. I too don't think that you should delete this. This is raw, this is real, this is you. We don't understand God's planning, that doesn't make us selfish. We want there here and the now and if we have to wait, well we want to know how long that wait's going to be. Brian and I were married for two years before we decided to start trying. When we decided to try I didn't have a period for a year. I took preg test over and over. And then when the year was almost over and depression had come and gone it happened.
    It's good for you to feel. Feel this pain, frustration, this wanting you have to extend your family. We need to feel. When we stop feeling and go numb is when it gets scary. As much as you think people will be annoyed keep talking. Keep writing, keep letting people in. You're not the first to takes this journey and you never know who you maybe helping along the way in years to come. Hang in there. God has wonderful plans for you. ~Dana Herboth

  3. Kaycie, I'll keep you in my prayers. :( I know life throws curves at us at the times we least expect it and it makes it hard to face tomorrow sometimes; but we just have to keep reminding ourselves that its all part of God's master plan for us. We have to keep praying and ask that God reveal even a small part of His plan to us. I know I have been all year basically (as you know my strangely psychotic year I've experienced). And I know the feeling of wanting kids (even though I know I'm not prepared for it yet >.<). I see everyone around me getting pregnant or with cute little kids and I just want one of my own. I'm sorry for what you are going through. If you need to talk or anything give me a call. I'll b here as a friend whenever you need me. I'm just glad we are finally getting to know one another slowly :D


  4. Have you talked to your doctor about the period thing? I only ask because I didn't have one for just 3 months, then when I did get one, it sent me to the ER it was so horrible. My Dr. said that you should never go more than 3 months w/o a period and they can give you medication that will induce bleeding. Also, are you up for taking meds to help with your ovulation? I'm on Metformin, which is a diabetes drug, but it's supposed to help with ovulation too. IDK, just thought maybe it would help.
    So sorry you're going through this. It's sucks. A shit ton. And I've only been dealing with it about 9 months. I can't imagine 21. Praying for you darling!

  5. I am so sorry your going through this, and I can relate big time. I tried for almost 5 yrs to get pregnant with my son, periods were wonky never coming, I wasn't on any birth control and still nothing, I took countless pregnancy tests with constantly seeing the negative, it took its toll on me big time, I was depressed for several years because of it and never thought I'd ever become a mom. In July 2008 I came to a point where I had to let it go, I sat on my porch and told God I was done worrying and stressing over not getting pregnant and understood that maybe it just wasn't meant to be for me to have children, I put it in his hands. 3 months later I got pregnant, no joke, it was crazy, I still can't get over it to this day. Have you had tests ran to see if anything is going on? I will keep you in my prayers.


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