Hello, my first born child.
It is currently 4:55 AM. I don't normally get up until 5:40ish, but today I was wide awake at 4:36. I had a dream about you and then I woke up and remembered almost every detail. I don't want to forget this dream, because it was so sweet (and so scary). So sit tight and let me tell you a little story...
In my dream you were born via water birth. (In real life, Daddy and I haven't decided on water birth or not, yet) I remember pushing and then all the sudden.... There you were! You were a boy, weighing 10 pounds, 1 ounce and 21 inches long. You were smiling and talking (though now I can't remember what you were telling me). Only I could understand you, but your Nonnie thought she could, too. Oh, she was there when you were born. I don't remember Daddy being there, but he probably was and I just forgot.
Anyways, I was standing up and walking around right after you came. We left our bathroom (where the pool had been set up) and walked out into the living room. But in my dream our living room at home turned into Oma & Opa's formal living room, and that's where everyone was waiting to meet you. Oma & Opa were there. Grandpa was there, making fun of my elementary school singing group, The Caroleers (who knows where that came from). A friend from elementary school was there, Amanda Todd, and a girl named Amanda Morris was there. I have no idea who Amanda Morris is, but I'm thinking it's probably Mommy's friend from work whose last name is Harris. Dream typo? I don't know. Those are the people whose names I remember writing down, but I know there were more. I think Carol was there and someone else, but I can't remember now. Everyone loved holding you and talking about how big you were. It began to occur to me... How did I get such a big baby out of me without any medications??
The whole time I remember bits and pieces of seeing our midwife clean up, make our bed, open the blinds, cook some type of herbal something-or-other for me to eat, and work silently in the background. I know this isn't an accurate portrayal of what our midwife will do in real life... But somewhere in my noggin that's what I imagined, I guess? I just remember trying to stay out of her way. Oh, and that when I saw her cooking, it wasn't in our kitchen, but in Grandpa & Nonnie's kitchen. It was there that I asked her about placenta encapsulation and if she offered that service. She told me to put the placenta in our deep freeze and we could send it within a week to her mentor to process.
So basically that's my dream. I can still see your big smiling face (which I know won't be the case when you're actually born). I can still hear your sweet little voice talking to me (which I definitely know won't be the case when you're actually born). I can still see the scale saying 10 lbs, 1 oz. (Dear God, I don't know if I'm ready for that to be the case when you're actually born).
I'm so happy I had this dream. However weird it may have been... I feel closer to you and feel your presence inside of me more than I did when I went to bed last night. So for that I'm thankful. I can't wait to meet you, little one... And find out just how big you are!
Love you so much,
Mommy
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Week 6 Thoughts
I mean, nobody asked for my thoughts, but why not share them?
- Chances are, if you plan something before 10 AM and expect me to be there... You had better be my work and paying my salary. Otherwise, I physically cannot get out of bed.
- Wonder how much flack I'll get for wanting to give birth naturally. Wonder how much it'll hurt my feelings to hear negativity. Wonder if I won't care at all. I wonder...
- I am so unbelievably, indescribably, out-of-control excited for this little blessing. Occasionally I have a complaint (or two or three or four) because pregnancy is NOT what I expected... But I could not feel more blessed or happy to be given this gift.
- Feeling blah all the time has made me appreciate just how little I feel sick the rest of the time (when I'm not pregnant). Now that I constantly feel gross, I have to remind myself, "you are NOT sick. You are pregnant. There's a difference. This is NORMAL." Because my tendency is to freak out, stay in bed all day resting, and not do any house work. (Okay, I probably just threw in that last part because I really don't want to do any house work)
- My husband is Superman, I'm convinced. He buys me all the pineapple, thin bagels, and ice cream I want and never complains. He also has become very good at reading my pouts. All I have to do is pout his way and he knows exactly what it is I need (and then gets it without me even asking!). I think it's a magic trick, but I haven't figured out the secret yet.
- Current symptoms: interrupted sleep, exhaustion, frequent bathroom trips, reflux, mild heartburn, breast soreness/tenderness, mild cramping, minimal spotting, outrageous up/down emotions (including bursts of sobbing lasting 20 minutes to 2 hours), bloating, gas... POOR JOY TO BE AROUND, I tell ya. (More like poor Braylen)
Saturday, July 13, 2013
And Baby Makes Three!
Well, the cat's out of the bag... We're expecting our first child! We one hundred percent could not be more excited (or scared or anxious or overwhelmed). Just to recap, this is what's been going on before we made the big reveal:
On June 27th, I woke up like I've done on countless other mornings... with the intent to take a pregnancy test. I figured it would be negative and I'd slip back in to bed for a few more minutes. However, a part of me wondered... Will this one be "the one"? My period was a week late... I felt like I'd waited long enough!
So I "administered the test" and waited some more...
(3 minutes is way too long, btw)
And there it was. Faint. But there was a second line.
I went to the living room and said "Umm... Braylen, can you come here?". He came into the bathroom and I said, "Well, I think we're pregnant" and handed him the test. He stared at it for a few seconds and said "it's definitely darker than the last time!" (when we had the false positive test) and then, in true Braylen fashion... Pointed out a pimple on my chin.
Sigh...
ADD does not fade with age, just FYI.
Anyways, immediately he asked for a "redo" response and hugged and kissed me. Then we got ready for work and went on our merry way.
Though, how the heck do you concentrate after getting THAT kind of shock at 6:00 AM?!
At lunch time, I hurried down to CVS and bought two different brands of tests (different than the type I took the first time). Once I got back to work I took them and voila... Two different tests with two very clear plus signs!
Based on whattoexpect.com and advice from a nurse friend, we calculated that we were about 7 weeks along. We made our first prenatal appointment for July 5th. We were going to wait until 7-13-13 to tell our families, but I NEEDED MY MOMMY after the first week of symptoms and stress at work, so we would up telling my side of the family on the Fourth of July. It wasn't at all how we planned (I had grand schemes to take video/pictures of their responses), but it was intimate and sweet and my mom cried, so what else could I ask for?
However, my appointment on the 5th didn't go quite as planned. Once we got there, the doctor also figured (based on the date of my last menstrual period) I was about 7 weeks, 1 day. Which is far enough along to see something on an ultrasound, so much to my surprise, we went right to the ultrasound room! I was so excited to see Little Dot for the first time!!
But when all was said and done, she couldn't find a gestational sac... anywhere. The lining of my uterus was thickened (as it should be for a pregnancy), but there was no sac for Baby to grow in that was evident on the u/s, which, for 7 weeks along.. There most definitely should've been. The doctor sent me down to the lab to have blood drawn to check the level of hCG (human chorionic gonadotropin or the "pregnancy hormone" that increases significantly during the first part of pregnancy and is what's detected on a home pregnancy test). The doctor could see my anxiety about not having the u/s go off without a hitch. She reassured me that depending upon what my blood level is, it might just be that we're not as far along as we thought. She didn't say it, but of course my mind deduced that it's either that or we lost the baby.
So when they called us 2 hours later with the results of the blood test to tell me my hCG level was 550 (much much much lower than it should've been at 7 weeks), my mind went to the worst possible scenario. I thought we lost the baby.
The nurse told me to come back on Monday morning to draw my blood again and see if my hCG had doubled, as it should, and we would go from there. So from Friday to Monday, we pretty much had no idea how to feel. I think that's probably the most anxiety and sadness I've ever felt in my life. I also think that's probably the most I have ever prayed for anything in my life. Every spare moment I was in prayer that God would give us strength and patience to get through whatever it is we were going to go through. I knew whatever would happen is out of our control and we needed to rely on Him for strength to keep going. We had so many people praying with us, I could never begin to thank you all individually. We told Braylen's parents on the 5th about the pregnancy, though it was a much different kind of news than we thought. We expected to show them an u/s picture and make it a big, happy surprise. Instead, we told them with fear and uncertainty and requests for more prayer.
Monday morning came around and I got to the lab as soon as the doors opened. Of course they didn't have my paperwork, so I had to wait another hour for the OB office to open. After that, it took less than 10 minutes for them to call my name and draw blood. Last time, it took them less than 2 hours to get back to us with results. So when I didn't hear back from anyone until lunch time, I started to panic. I decided to go down to the doctor's office and wait. I knew they were going as fast as they could, but it made ME feel better to be there. Within 20 minutes, the nurse came out to tell me...
My hCG went from 550 on Friday to 1800 on Monday!!!!
We made an appointment for another ultrasound for the next day, Tuesday July 9th, 2013. Braylen and my mom took off work to come with me again, which was so nice. We went right for the u/s room again because by that point my hCG would've been over 2000 (which is what it has to be, at least, to see something on u/s). As soon as she started, this is what we saw:
On June 27th, I woke up like I've done on countless other mornings... with the intent to take a pregnancy test. I figured it would be negative and I'd slip back in to bed for a few more minutes. However, a part of me wondered... Will this one be "the one"? My period was a week late... I felt like I'd waited long enough!
So I "administered the test" and waited some more...
(3 minutes is way too long, btw)
And there it was. Faint. But there was a second line.
I went to the living room and said "Umm... Braylen, can you come here?". He came into the bathroom and I said, "Well, I think we're pregnant" and handed him the test. He stared at it for a few seconds and said "it's definitely darker than the last time!" (when we had the false positive test) and then, in true Braylen fashion... Pointed out a pimple on my chin.
Sigh...
ADD does not fade with age, just FYI.
Anyways, immediately he asked for a "redo" response and hugged and kissed me. Then we got ready for work and went on our merry way.
Though, how the heck do you concentrate after getting THAT kind of shock at 6:00 AM?!
At lunch time, I hurried down to CVS and bought two different brands of tests (different than the type I took the first time). Once I got back to work I took them and voila... Two different tests with two very clear plus signs!
Based on whattoexpect.com and advice from a nurse friend, we calculated that we were about 7 weeks along. We made our first prenatal appointment for July 5th. We were going to wait until 7-13-13 to tell our families, but I NEEDED MY MOMMY after the first week of symptoms and stress at work, so we would up telling my side of the family on the Fourth of July. It wasn't at all how we planned (I had grand schemes to take video/pictures of their responses), but it was intimate and sweet and my mom cried, so what else could I ask for?
However, my appointment on the 5th didn't go quite as planned. Once we got there, the doctor also figured (based on the date of my last menstrual period) I was about 7 weeks, 1 day. Which is far enough along to see something on an ultrasound, so much to my surprise, we went right to the ultrasound room! I was so excited to see Little Dot for the first time!!
But when all was said and done, she couldn't find a gestational sac... anywhere. The lining of my uterus was thickened (as it should be for a pregnancy), but there was no sac for Baby to grow in that was evident on the u/s, which, for 7 weeks along.. There most definitely should've been. The doctor sent me down to the lab to have blood drawn to check the level of hCG (human chorionic gonadotropin or the "pregnancy hormone" that increases significantly during the first part of pregnancy and is what's detected on a home pregnancy test). The doctor could see my anxiety about not having the u/s go off without a hitch. She reassured me that depending upon what my blood level is, it might just be that we're not as far along as we thought. She didn't say it, but of course my mind deduced that it's either that or we lost the baby.
So when they called us 2 hours later with the results of the blood test to tell me my hCG level was 550 (much much much lower than it should've been at 7 weeks), my mind went to the worst possible scenario. I thought we lost the baby.
The nurse told me to come back on Monday morning to draw my blood again and see if my hCG had doubled, as it should, and we would go from there. So from Friday to Monday, we pretty much had no idea how to feel. I think that's probably the most anxiety and sadness I've ever felt in my life. I also think that's probably the most I have ever prayed for anything in my life. Every spare moment I was in prayer that God would give us strength and patience to get through whatever it is we were going to go through. I knew whatever would happen is out of our control and we needed to rely on Him for strength to keep going. We had so many people praying with us, I could never begin to thank you all individually. We told Braylen's parents on the 5th about the pregnancy, though it was a much different kind of news than we thought. We expected to show them an u/s picture and make it a big, happy surprise. Instead, we told them with fear and uncertainty and requests for more prayer.
Monday morning came around and I got to the lab as soon as the doors opened. Of course they didn't have my paperwork, so I had to wait another hour for the OB office to open. After that, it took less than 10 minutes for them to call my name and draw blood. Last time, it took them less than 2 hours to get back to us with results. So when I didn't hear back from anyone until lunch time, I started to panic. I decided to go down to the doctor's office and wait. I knew they were going as fast as they could, but it made ME feel better to be there. Within 20 minutes, the nurse came out to tell me...
My hCG went from 550 on Friday to 1800 on Monday!!!!
We made an appointment for another ultrasound for the next day, Tuesday July 9th, 2013. Braylen and my mom took off work to come with me again, which was so nice. We went right for the u/s room again because by that point my hCG would've been over 2000 (which is what it has to be, at least, to see something on u/s). As soon as she started, this is what we saw:
That hole in the middle at the top is the gestational sac!! That is exactly what we were hoping to see!! It's right where it should be (in the uterus) and is currently measuring at about 5 weeks... Though it's still too early to date it well enough.
We went from extreme anxiety/sadness over the weekend to over-the-top joy and thankfulness for this sweet little blessing!! I literally have never been happier about anything in my entire life. I've also never been this scared of losing anything in my entire life. But I know and have faith that God's timing and His plan are absolutely perfect. If anything, the [almost] scare we had last weekend reiterated that 10x over. It is impossible for me to do this without Him... Without His strength, comfort, and patience. I am so thankful that he brought us that milestone to go over because it showed us just how much we need him and just how important prayer is in our family.
Today Braylen and I will be baptized. We planned to do this long before we found out about Little Dot, but it means even more to me now. There aren't enough words to express how I feel today. I am so blessed to have the opportunity to be baptized in front of our family and friends. I am so blessed to be baptized with our first child growing in my belly. I am so blessed to be baptized alongside my husband, my best friend, my partner in life, the father of my child.
Today is a beautiful day.
Friday, May 17, 2013
Snapshots
Whenever I open blogger to make a post, the only content that ever comes out is baby stuff. Although that is what's on my mind 90% of the time.... This is what's in the other 10%...
So when my headspace isn't consumed by baby plans.... My thoughts are typically there!
But speaking of baby plans... It's a no-go for this month, as I started my period last night.
Big WOO HOO for my body doing what it should do, naturally...
Big BOOOOOO for my body not getting pregnant instead.
Just have to be more diligent in our efforts =]
(Sorry Mom and MIL... )
We're off to a Rangers game today with two good friends... Hopefully they win so Husband doesn't have to pout the whole ride home...
Then a 5k tomorrow! It's called Run for a Reason and this is the first annual. My personal trainer started it and I'm really excited to see the turn out! We are all supposed to write our reason for running (or working out) on our arm... I still haven't decided what mine is... But I guess I'll have to know by tomorrow! =]
Have a good weekend!
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| My dogs in their natural habitat. Leia perched on the couch. Luke standing guard in the backyard. I just love my babies. |
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| My honey had flowers sent to me at work in celebration of receiving my certification from the American Speech-Language-Hearing Association! I just love that guy. |
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| This is my office after |
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| My best friend and I during her last visit, because I miss her so much! I just love that girl! |
So when my headspace isn't consumed by baby plans.... My thoughts are typically there!
But speaking of baby plans... It's a no-go for this month, as I started my period last night.
Big WOO HOO for my body doing what it should do, naturally...
Big BOOOOOO for my body not getting pregnant instead.
Just have to be more diligent in our efforts =]
(Sorry Mom and MIL... )
We're off to a Rangers game today with two good friends... Hopefully they win so Husband doesn't have to pout the whole ride home...
Then a 5k tomorrow! It's called Run for a Reason and this is the first annual. My personal trainer started it and I'm really excited to see the turn out! We are all supposed to write our reason for running (or working out) on our arm... I still haven't decided what mine is... But I guess I'll have to know by tomorrow! =]
Have a good weekend!
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Good News!
I think I might have mentioned at some point that last week was our 3-year wedding anniversary, right? Anyways... The first two anniversaries I was in graduate school, so although we did take time to celebrate each year... It was always during finals week and I always had a lot on my plate. This year, since I'm not in school anymore, I decided to take time from work and spend it with Husband! I worked Monday & Tuesday last week, but took the rest of the week off so we could spend some time just enjoying each other...
That was the plan anyways.
(just kidding)
We did spend a lot of much-need quality time together. However, we also took care of a few "chores" and worked in other fun activities. I changed over my Oklahoma license plate and driver's license to Texas (barf), walked a 5k, had my car break down at the peak of the highest overpass in town (lovely), celebrated the graduation of a good friend, and spent time with our mothers for Mother's Day.
Oh, and I squeezed in my annual onemorereasontolovebeingawoman appointment.
Which actually turned out to be a highlight of the whole "staycation"! (more on that appointment here)
I mentioned in that post that they drew blood to test my luteinizing hormone, thyroid-stimulating hormone, testosterone, and follicle-stimulating hormone levels. Now, don't ask me what any of that stuff means. I googled them all and have some basic idea... But pretty much... All those things work together to regulate your cycle, including menses and ovulation. I know that leaves out a ton of details, but for my purposes... That's really all I needed to know.
Anyways, the results are in and.... (drumroll, please)....
It all came back within normal limits.
Um... Hallelujah?
Back when I had my appointment in January of 2012 (which you can find a post about here), we learned that my ovaries were covered in follicles (or cysts). The birth control I was on for the previous 1.5 years (Depo-Provera or "the shot") had pretty much eliminated my menstrual cycle (as it typically does for some women). So prior to this appointment, I hadn't had a period in 1.5-2 years, which would present itself as a build-up of cysts on my ovaries. My gynecologist (at the time) basically gave me two scenarios or explanations for why my ovaries were so cystic:
But... hindsight is 20/20, and it's irrelevant now. Back to today...
Has it ever happened to you that you didn't realize you were completely and totally stressed about something until it's no longer a concern?
The nurse called and told me the good news (and she was totally excited for me, which felt awesome... Like she knew good things were about to happen in our lives very soon)... And I kept saying to her "Wow, that's really awesome! Thank you so much!" and we laughed and got excited for a second.
As soon as I hung up the phone, I immediately started sobbing... All while smiling uncontrollably.
It totally caught me off guard! I rarely cry these days, especially about something involving me... So to cry spontaneously and uncontrollably about being... happy? It felt amazing and put me in the best mood I've been in in weeks.
I don't take for granted that conception/pregnancy will now be a breeze. I still know where the control lies (and it's definitely not with me, or I'd have been pregnant May 7, 2010)... But I am so incredibly relieved to have one less obstacle on our path to parenthood.
Still praying that God blesses us when He feels we are ready... And praising Him every step of the way!
'Night y'all!
That was the plan anyways.
(just kidding)
We did spend a lot of much-need quality time together. However, we also took care of a few "chores" and worked in other fun activities. I changed over my Oklahoma license plate and driver's license to Texas (barf), walked a 5k, had my car break down at the peak of the highest overpass in town (lovely), celebrated the graduation of a good friend, and spent time with our mothers for Mother's Day.
Oh, and I squeezed in my annual onemorereasontolovebeingawoman appointment.
Which actually turned out to be a highlight of the whole "staycation"! (more on that appointment here)
I mentioned in that post that they drew blood to test my luteinizing hormone, thyroid-stimulating hormone, testosterone, and follicle-stimulating hormone levels. Now, don't ask me what any of that stuff means. I googled them all and have some basic idea... But pretty much... All those things work together to regulate your cycle, including menses and ovulation. I know that leaves out a ton of details, but for my purposes... That's really all I needed to know.
Anyways, the results are in and.... (drumroll, please)....
It all came back within normal limits.
Um... Hallelujah?
Back when I had my appointment in January of 2012 (which you can find a post about here), we learned that my ovaries were covered in follicles (or cysts). The birth control I was on for the previous 1.5 years (Depo-Provera or "the shot") had pretty much eliminated my menstrual cycle (as it typically does for some women). So prior to this appointment, I hadn't had a period in 1.5-2 years, which would present itself as a build-up of cysts on my ovaries. My gynecologist (at the time) basically gave me two scenarios or explanations for why my ovaries were so cystic:
- The cysts are due to not having a regular cycle for so long. In which case, the hope would be that once I got off BC and my cycles regulated, the cysts would "slough off" and my ovaries would be good as new.
- The cysts are due to polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) and regardless of weight-loss or birth control, the cysts would remain and most-likely make conception/pregnancy more challenging (not impossible, just challenging).
But... hindsight is 20/20, and it's irrelevant now. Back to today...
Has it ever happened to you that you didn't realize you were completely and totally stressed about something until it's no longer a concern?
The nurse called and told me the good news (and she was totally excited for me, which felt awesome... Like she knew good things were about to happen in our lives very soon)... And I kept saying to her "Wow, that's really awesome! Thank you so much!" and we laughed and got excited for a second.
As soon as I hung up the phone, I immediately started sobbing... All while smiling uncontrollably.
It totally caught me off guard! I rarely cry these days, especially about something involving me... So to cry spontaneously and uncontrollably about being... happy? It felt amazing and put me in the best mood I've been in in weeks.
I don't take for granted that conception/pregnancy will now be a breeze. I still know where the control lies (and it's definitely not with me, or I'd have been pregnant May 7, 2010)... But I am so incredibly relieved to have one less obstacle on our path to parenthood.
Still praying that God blesses us when He feels we are ready... And praising Him every step of the way!
'Night y'all!
Thursday, May 9, 2013
More Baby Business
Seeing as I decided part of this blog's purpose was to document our journey to parenthood, I definitely can't leave out my ob/gyn appointment today! She came recommended from a friend... And I found out today it was for good reason! Seriously... I love this lady! I'm so excited that she's our doctor!
First off, she isn't completely convinced I have PCOS. As my periods have been consistent since I got off BC in December and I don't have any of the other symptoms... PCOS isn't as likely.
Can you say... Relief?
She also said due to my young age and regular periods, she doesn't think we should have problems conceiving. If I'm not pregnant in six months, I'll go in to see her again and we'll look at everything a little closer. Today they drew some blood to test my estrogen, LH/FSH, and thyroid levels. I should get those results back in a couple of days. That will also give more info on the likelihood of PCOS.
Whether or not I have PCOS... I just loved that she was encouraging and positive. She really gave me hope that conceiving is within reach and doesn't have to be difficult (like I've always assumed it would be). Maybe it's false hope, but today... It made me happy.
Know what else makes me happy?
My husband. I just love that guy. Time and time again he shows me all the reasons I fell in love with him and married him. I'm just so proud of him and the man he is.
I just had to say it.
And I look forward to seeing him as a dad. Truthfully... I'm probably more excited to see his face and his reaction to meeting our children for the first time than I am to meet them myself! He is just going to be so good at it.
Oh, but back to the conception business. I told Braylen he has to promise not to let me take any pregnancy tests until June. I don't want a repeat of what happened in March to happen again... Where I get anxious to take tests and start taking them before I even miss my period, so then I don't know WHEN I can stop taking them because I don't know if I should've had my period or not.
You do not want to know the crazy that happens in my brain about this baby business. Sigh...
'Night y'all!
First off, she isn't completely convinced I have PCOS. As my periods have been consistent since I got off BC in December and I don't have any of the other symptoms... PCOS isn't as likely.
Can you say... Relief?
She also said due to my young age and regular periods, she doesn't think we should have problems conceiving. If I'm not pregnant in six months, I'll go in to see her again and we'll look at everything a little closer. Today they drew some blood to test my estrogen, LH/FSH, and thyroid levels. I should get those results back in a couple of days. That will also give more info on the likelihood of PCOS.
Whether or not I have PCOS... I just loved that she was encouraging and positive. She really gave me hope that conceiving is within reach and doesn't have to be difficult (like I've always assumed it would be). Maybe it's false hope, but today... It made me happy.
Know what else makes me happy?
My husband. I just love that guy. Time and time again he shows me all the reasons I fell in love with him and married him. I'm just so proud of him and the man he is.
I just had to say it.
And I look forward to seeing him as a dad. Truthfully... I'm probably more excited to see his face and his reaction to meeting our children for the first time than I am to meet them myself! He is just going to be so good at it.
Oh, but back to the conception business. I told Braylen he has to promise not to let me take any pregnancy tests until June. I don't want a repeat of what happened in March to happen again... Where I get anxious to take tests and start taking them before I even miss my period, so then I don't know WHEN I can stop taking them because I don't know if I should've had my period or not.
You do not want to know the crazy that happens in my brain about this baby business. Sigh...
'Night y'all!
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Too Much Time to Think
My husband was away this weekend. As he hasn't been working for a month or so, we've been spending a lot of time together (he drives me to/from work and we're at the gym together 2-4x week, plus time at home). So this weekend was the first time in a couple months I haven't had any plans and could stay at home... and the first time EVER in this house that I've spent a weekend without BDR.
Of course I missed him... Who wouldn't miss a guy who leaves a note like this for me to find when I come home from work??
Of course I missed him... Who wouldn't miss a guy who leaves a note like this for me to find when I come home from work??
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| "Dear Kaycie, The best part of this trip will be coming home to you. I love you with all my heart. -Braylen Oh! Check inside the fridge" (He made tootie fruity for me and left it in the fridge =] ) |
Aside from missing him, though, I really enjoyed the time to myself. My mom stayed with my one night, which was really nice. The rest of the time I just... relaxed.
I will say, it gave my mind a lot of time to wander. Or maybe I should say "reflect"... That sounds a little better, to me. I've got a lot of things running through my mind about this conception business. I haven't visited an ob/gyn since my last appointments (which I wrote about here and here in January & May of 2012), when I found out I have PCOS. I haven't been on birth control since December 2012. I thought for sure I wouldn't menstruate naturally (without BC), as every time I went off BC before, my periods stopped. However, I have only missed one period since December. Granted, that doesn't mean much as far as ovulation goes, as I could be having anovulatory bleeding... But it makes me feel like my body is doing what it should be doing, without medication.
But then I read forum posts and articles about PCOS and it throws my positivity out the window. I fit all the criteria, even still. It's so scary to read all the heartache and hurts other women (and their spouses/partners) often go through when trying to conceive with PCOS. We're just starting on this journey, and I'm so afraid.
And then I just get pissed off at myself for allowing my weight to be such a barrier for my future. It's just a shame that year after year I say the same things... That I will strive to become more active and healthier to lower the risks during pregnancy with PCOS (or to possibly eliminate PCOS entirely!). And year after year I'm still 260 lbs... Struggling to find lasting determination to lose.
We want this so badly... Have waited since we got married for the time we could finally start "trying". I'm not ruling anything out or saying it's not possible. I still fully believe that God will provide on His time, when He feels we are ready for such blessings.
I think I just had too much time to think this weekend. I need to have faith and trust in His timing. I also need to be more faithful in taking care of the "temple" He provided me. I could really use some prayer in that department.
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I'm only working two days this week. Tuesday is our 3 year anniversary (can you believe it??), so I'm taking Wednesday & Thursday off (and I don't work Friday). Saturday we're running our first 5k. I should probably be nervous or anxious or something... But at this point, I just want to be done with it. I'm not feeling competitive at all. Running is NOT my thing. I wouldn't even do it, if I hadn't already signed up with a group and have friends running, too. I'm just not into it at all. But at least I can say I've completed one, right?
'Night y'all!
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