Things I Have Learned While Pregnant

Okay, so blogging is obviously not something I'm good at anymore. I've come to terms with it... I'm just not going to be consistent with it anymore. At least not now, and probably not ever. And I'm okay with that. I will when I can or when I feel inspired to do so. For the past few weeks, I've been compiling all of the things that have stood out to me so far in this pregnancy. I feel like I've learned SO MUCH in these nearly 17 weeks of being pregnant and that there's SO MUCH more to learn! I can't research, google, read, or watch enough! I get so excited about reading birth stories, watching documentaries about childbirth/breastfeeding, hearing my friends' experiences... I've seriously contemplated a change in careers to midwifery, ha. (Don't freak out, Mom... I won't actually change careers. Yet, anyway.) Learning about pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, and parenting has rapidly become my most favorite past-time. But not only have I learned a lot from reading/watching other people's ideas... I've learned a lot from my own experience, so far.

So here are just a few of the highlights that I've found. I know I'll have more to add later...

1. Modern maternity clothes were designed by the very best and most kind angels, I believe. Particularly maternity pants. I never want to take mine off, including to sleep, and I often find myself asking "Why wasn't I wearing these before I got pregnant?" Never in my life have I experienced pants so comfortable. I'm never afraid of crackage showing. Never afraid of muffin top. Never afraid of adjusting them. They. Are. Perfect. And the shirts? Sigh... All of my friends/coworkers have heard me go on and on. I'm just obsessed with maternity clothes and I think Motherhood Maternity will be my new store of choice, even after I have this baby. Why would I not want to be this comfortable all the time?? 
2. Speaking of comfort... The Snoogle. Go check it out... I'll wait. Seriously? This pillow was also designed in heaven. It took some getting used to and figuring out how to best maneuver around it at night (particularly when I have to get up 1-3x every night to pee)... But I think I finally have it mastered and now I'm in love. In fact, Braylen wants to buy one for him because he is so jealous of how comfortable it is. I will say, I have no idea how he and I and two of these pillows would fit in our bed (not to mention with Leia in bed with us). That is one downside... It takes up a lot of space.
3. I am fascinated by, intrigued by, excited for, and in awe of natural childbirth. Many of you probably know by now that Braylen and I have chosen to have a midwife versus an obstetrician and will be having our baby at home (barring any emergency situations or complications). This is not a decision we entered in to lightly. We prayed and talked about it for a long time, even before getting pregnant. But since making this decision, I can't tell you how relieved, at peace, and excited I am about actually giving birth. I have never been this excited about anything in my life... Not even our wedding (sorry, BDR). The more I learn about natural childbirth and its benefits for myself and the baby... The more I read birth stories from women who have had a natural experience... The more I plan our own birth experience... I literally get overwhelmed with excitement and anticipation sometimes! I'm sure as it gets closer, fear or anxiety will set in about the pain. I'm not naive to think it will be easy or perfect or exactly how I have it pictured. I know it will be messy. I know I will freak out at some point. But my goodness, the feeling afterward? That high? Ugh.. I have goosebumps just thinking about it. God may have other plans and we may not get to have natural, medication-free, home childbirth like we want. And that's okay. But preparing for it and going this route so far, versus appointments at a hospital (which I'm not condemning, by any means) has just felt so unbelievably right to us. I can't wait to see what else God is going to teach us through this experience. 
4. I think there should be a phrase added to Webster's: Potty Paralysis. There should most definitely be an ICD code for it, though it's more of a "condition", rather than a "disease". I often experience this when I'm at my 2:30 AM visit to the bathroom or my first morning trip or sometimes on my trips at work. Basically, Potty Paralysis is when you sit down to pee, do your business, and then remain seated there for who knows how long because you just can't remember how to stand back up OR it's just so much nicer to stay seated. Normally I think of absolutely nothing during this time (which can last anywhere from 1-10 minutes). It's almost like meditation. My mind is clear, I have no agenda (because my business is already finished), and all is right with the world (because I no longer feel like my bladder is about to explode). It's a good kind of paralysis. One that I look forward to and often have no intention of experiencing prior to it actually happening. I never go to the restroom expecting or planning to not get back up right away. It's just kind of one of those things that happens and I don't realize it's happened until a few minutes later when I remind myself "Oh, hey, you should probably go back to work." or "Maybe you should actually get dressed and start the day." Just saying.. I don't know if I'm the only one to experience this, but it's another welcome addition to my day.
5. There are an infinite number of things "they say" you absolutely should not ever ever ever do when you're pregnant. All the things you can't eat/drink... sushi, unpasteurized cheeses, most lunch meat, some fish, too much sugar, alcohol, raw cookie dough, Caesar dressing, lots of caffeine, and the list goes on and on. All the activities you shouldn't do (heavy lifting, contact sports, smoking, paint, etc. The thought has crossed my mind more than once... If I'm not supposed to do those things when I'm pregnant... Maybe I shouldn't after when I'm not. I know that is silly and obviously it's not something one would actually consider following through with (cos who could live without cookie dough?). But it makes me laugh sometimes to think about "Yeah, maybe I should never lift anything heavy again." or "No more painting" (like I do so much of that, as it is). I just love having a silly brain sometimes. 

Okay, this post has taken me all day to write because I keep getting interrupted by, like, cooking and going to the bathroom and paying attention to my husband and Call the Midwife and stuff. And now I can't think of any other tidbits to write about. I know I'll come up with more later.

What did you discover or become obsessed with learning about while pregnant? 

Maybe This Will Help?

I wish I had a better excuse for not updating more, besides being a walking, breathing zombie 24/7 and having zero motivation to do anything but go back to bed.

I am now writing this post because I think I need to. The past couple of weeks have been a little tough for me. Physically, I'm drained all the time (thus the zombie-talk). But aside from that... It's hitting me harder than I thought to be gaining weight and not fitting in my clothes. Especially because, being a big girl already, I didn't think my stomach would pop out as quickly as it is. Granted, I'm positive it's all fat/bloating and no baby... But it's still making it difficult to wear anything other than my yoga pants every. single. day.

I knew I would gain weight. I mean, duh. And I knew eventually my clothes wouldn't fit. Again... duh. But I guess it never dawned on me that mentally it would take time to wrap my head around the idea that this time is different. In the past, a gain on the scale meant failure on my part. My pants being unable to button was embarrassing and a sign that more gym time is around the corner. These days, I know weight gain and bloating are normal and expected... But emotionally, my mind still goes straight to feeling like a failure. Particularly because, unless I tell them, no one knows I'm pregnant. So I feel like everyone looking at me thinks "damn... eat a salad".

Normally I am not this self-depricating... Or at least I try not to be so public about it. But it's really been getting me down lately. I loath getting ready in the morning. Picking out what to wear is my least favorite part of the day. I pretty much hate the way all of my clothes look on me. I've started wearing my winter cardigans already, because I feel more covered and secure... Which is stupid because it's still really warm outside.

I constantly am predicting what others are saying in their head (when nobody's probably thinking a dang thing about me)... "Honey, if you feel fat/gross now... Just wait". Yeah, thanks for that encouraging tidbit. I don't want to think about how I will feel later. I feel cruddy enough as it is.

Sorry this is so cheerful. Maybe in a couple weeks when I'm into the second trimester my spirits will turn around. Despite this entire post, I promise I am still 100% thrilled to be pregnant. I know I am so blessed to be given this opportunity. It's shameful that I could complain about anything, given everything I've been blessed with. I just needed to get this off my heart.

'Night y'all.

My First Dream of You

Hello, my first born child.

It is currently 4:55 AM. I don't normally get up until 5:40ish, but today I was wide awake at 4:36. I had a dream about you and then I woke up and remembered almost every detail. I don't want to forget this dream, because it was so sweet (and so scary). So sit tight and let me tell you a little story...

In my dream you were born via water birth. (In real life, Daddy and I haven't decided on water birth or not, yet) I remember pushing and then all the sudden.... There you were! You were a boy, weighing 10 pounds, 1 ounce and 21 inches long. You were smiling and talking (though now I can't remember what you were telling me). Only I could understand you, but your Nonnie thought she could, too. Oh, she was there when you were born. I don't remember Daddy being there, but he probably was and I just forgot.

Anyways, I was standing up and walking around right after you came. We left our bathroom (where the pool had been set up) and walked out into the living room. But in my dream our living room at home turned into Oma & Opa's formal living room, and that's where everyone was waiting to meet you. Oma & Opa were there. Grandpa was there, making fun of my elementary school singing group, The Caroleers (who knows where that came from). A friend from elementary school was there, Amanda Todd, and a girl named Amanda Morris was there. I have no idea who Amanda Morris is, but I'm thinking it's probably Mommy's friend from work whose last name is Harris. Dream typo? I don't know. Those are the people whose names I remember writing down, but I know there were more. I think Carol was there and someone else, but I can't remember now. Everyone loved holding you and talking about how big you were. It began to occur to me... How did I get such a big baby out of me without any medications??

The whole time I remember bits and pieces of seeing our midwife clean up, make our bed, open the blinds, cook some type of herbal something-or-other for me to eat, and work silently in the background. I know this isn't an accurate portrayal of what our midwife will do in real life... But somewhere in my noggin that's what I imagined, I guess? I just remember trying to stay out of her way. Oh, and that when I saw her cooking, it wasn't in our kitchen, but in Grandpa & Nonnie's kitchen. It was there that I asked her about placenta encapsulation and if she offered that service. She told me to put the placenta in our deep freeze and we could send it within a week to her mentor to process.

So basically that's my dream. I can still see your big smiling face (which I know won't be the case when you're actually born). I can still hear your sweet little voice talking to me (which I definitely know won't be the case when you're actually born). I can still see the scale saying 10 lbs, 1 oz. (Dear God, I don't know if I'm ready for that to be the case when you're actually born).

I'm so happy I had this dream. However weird it may have been... I feel closer to you and feel your presence inside of me more than I did when I went to bed last night. So for that I'm thankful. I can't wait to meet you, little one... And find out just how big you are!

Love you so much,
Mommy

Week 6 Thoughts

I mean, nobody asked for my thoughts, but why not share them?

• Chances are, if you plan something before 10 AM and expect me to be there... You had better be my work and paying my salary. Otherwise, I physically cannot get out of bed. 
• Wonder how much flack I'll get for wanting to give birth naturally. Wonder how much it'll hurt my feelings to hear negativity. Wonder if I won't care at all. I wonder... 
• I am so unbelievably, indescribably, out-of-control excited for this little blessing. Occasionally I have a complaint (or two or three or four) because pregnancy is NOT what I expected... But I could not feel more blessed or happy to be given this gift. 
• Feeling blah all the time has made me appreciate just how little I feel sick the rest of the time (when I'm not pregnant). Now that I constantly feel gross, I have to remind myself, "you are NOT sick. You are pregnant. There's a difference. This is NORMAL." Because my tendency is to freak out, stay in bed all day resting, and not do any house work. (Okay, I probably just threw in that last part because I really don't want to do any house work)
• My husband is Superman, I'm convinced. He buys me all the pineapple, thin bagels, and ice cream I want and never complains. He also has become very good at reading my pouts. All I have to do is pout his way and he knows exactly what it is I need (and then gets it without me even asking!). I think it's a magic trick, but I haven't figured out the secret yet. 
• Current symptoms: interrupted sleep, exhaustion, frequent bathroom trips, reflux, mild heartburn, breast soreness/tenderness, mild cramping, minimal spotting, outrageous up/down emotions (including bursts of sobbing lasting 20 minutes to 2 hours), bloating, gas... POOR JOY TO BE AROUND, I tell ya. (More like poor Braylen)

And Baby Makes Three!

Well, the cat's out of the bag... We're expecting our first child! We one hundred percent could not be more excited (or scared or anxious or overwhelmed). Just to recap, this is what's been going on before we made the big reveal:

On June 27th, I woke up like I've done on countless other mornings... with the intent to take a pregnancy test. I figured it would be negative and I'd slip back in to bed for a few more minutes. However, a part of me wondered... Will this one be "the one"? My period was a week late... I felt like I'd waited long enough!
So I "administered the test" and waited some more...

(3 minutes is way too long, btw)

And there it was. Faint. But there was a second line.

I went to the living room and said "Umm... Braylen, can you come here?". He came into the bathroom and I said, "Well, I think we're pregnant" and handed him the test. He stared at it for a few seconds and said "it's definitely darker than the last time!" (when we had the false positive test) and then, in true Braylen fashion... Pointed out a pimple on my chin.

Sigh...

ADD does not fade with age, just FYI.

Anyways, immediately he asked for a "redo" response and hugged and kissed me. Then we got ready for work and went on our merry way.

Though, how the heck do you concentrate after getting THAT kind of shock at 6:00 AM?!

At lunch time, I hurried down to CVS and bought two different brands of tests (different than the type I took the first time). Once I got back to work I took them and voila... Two different tests with two very clear plus signs!

Based on whattoexpect.com and advice from a nurse friend, we calculated that we were about 7 weeks along. We made our first prenatal appointment for July 5th.  We were going to wait until 7-13-13 to tell our families, but I NEEDED MY MOMMY after the first week of symptoms and stress at work, so we would up telling my side of the family on the Fourth of July. It wasn't at all how we planned (I had grand schemes to take video/pictures of their responses), but it was intimate and sweet and my mom cried, so what else could I ask for?

However, my appointment on the 5th didn't go quite as planned. Once we got there, the doctor also figured (based on the date of my last menstrual period) I was about 7 weeks, 1 day. Which is far enough along to see something on an ultrasound, so much to my surprise, we went right to the ultrasound room! I was so excited to see Little Dot for the first time!!

But when all was said and done, she couldn't find a gestational sac... anywhere. The lining of my uterus was thickened (as it should be for a pregnancy), but there was no sac for Baby to grow in that was evident on the u/s, which, for 7 weeks along.. There most definitely should've been. The doctor sent me down to the lab to have blood drawn to check the level of hCG (human chorionic gonadotropin or the "pregnancy hormone" that increases significantly during the first part of pregnancy and is what's detected on a home pregnancy test). The doctor could see my anxiety about not having the u/s go off without a hitch. She reassured me that depending upon what my blood level is, it might just be that we're not as far along as we thought. She didn't say it, but of course my mind deduced that it's either that or we lost the baby. 

So when they called us 2 hours later with the results of the blood test to tell me my hCG level was 550 (much much much lower than it should've been at 7 weeks), my mind went to the worst possible scenario. I thought we lost the baby. 

The nurse told me to come back on Monday morning to draw my blood again and see if my hCG had doubled, as it should, and we would go from there. So from Friday to Monday, we pretty much had no idea how to feel. I think that's probably the most anxiety and sadness I've ever felt in my life. I also think that's probably the most I have ever prayed for anything in my life. Every spare moment I was in prayer that God would give us strength and patience to get through whatever it is we were going to go through. I knew whatever would happen is out of our control and we needed to rely on Him for strength to keep going. We had so many people praying with us, I could never begin to thank you all individually. We told Braylen's parents on the 5th about the pregnancy, though it was a much different kind of news than we thought. We expected to show them an u/s picture and make it a big, happy surprise. Instead, we told them with fear and uncertainty and requests for more prayer. 

Monday morning came around and I got to the lab as soon as the doors opened. Of course they didn't have my paperwork, so I had to wait another hour for the OB office to open. After that, it took less than 10 minutes for them to call my name and draw blood. Last time, it took them less than 2 hours to get back to us with results. So when I didn't hear back from anyone until lunch time, I started to panic. I decided to go down to the doctor's office and wait. I knew they were going as fast as they could, but it made ME feel better to be there. Within 20 minutes, the nurse came out to tell me... 

My hCG went from 550 on Friday to 1800 on Monday!!!! 

We made an appointment for another ultrasound for the next day, Tuesday July 9th, 2013. Braylen and my mom took off work to come with me again, which was so nice. We went right for the u/s room again because by that point my hCG would've been over 2000 (which is what it has to be, at least, to see something on u/s). As soon as she started, this is what we saw: 

 

That hole in the middle at the top is the gestational sac!! That is exactly what we were hoping to see!! It's right where it should be (in the uterus) and is currently measuring at about 5 weeks... Though it's still too early to date it well enough. 

We went from extreme anxiety/sadness over the weekend to over-the-top joy and thankfulness for this sweet little blessing!! I literally have never been happier about anything in my entire life. I've also never been this scared of losing anything in my entire life. But I know and have faith that God's timing and His plan are absolutely perfect. If anything, the [almost] scare we had last weekend reiterated that 10x over. It is impossible for me to do this without Him... Without His strength, comfort, and patience. I am so thankful that he brought us that milestone to go over because it showed us just how much we need him and just how important prayer is in our family. 

Today Braylen and I will be baptized. We planned to do this long before we found out about Little Dot, but it means even more to me now. There aren't enough words to express how I feel today. I am so blessed to have the opportunity to be baptized in front of our family and friends. I am so blessed to be baptized with our first child growing in my belly. I am so blessed to be baptized alongside my husband, my best friend, my partner in life, the father of my child. 

Today is a beautiful day.

Snapshots

Whenever I open blogger to make a post, the only content that ever comes out is baby stuff. Although that is what's on my mind 90% of the time.... This is what's in the other 10%...

My dogs in their natural habitat. Leia perched on the couch. Luke standing guard in the backyard. I just love my babies.

My honey had flowers sent to me at work in celebration of receiving my certification from the American Speech-Language-Hearing Association! I just love that guy.

This is my office after giving attempting to give a really involved, complicated language test to a 3 year old who did not want to be given a really involved complicated language test. I just love my job!!

My best friend and I during her last visit, because I miss her so much! I just love that girl!

So when my headspace isn't consumed by baby plans.... My thoughts are typically there!

But speaking of baby plans... It's a no-go for this month, as I started my period last night.

Big WOO HOO for my body doing what it should do, naturally...

Big BOOOOOO for my body not getting pregnant instead.

Just have to be more diligent in our efforts =]
(Sorry Mom and MIL... )

We're off to a Rangers game today with two good friends... Hopefully they win so Husband doesn't have to pout the whole ride home...

Then a 5k tomorrow! It's called Run for a Reason and this is the first annual. My personal trainer started it and I'm really excited to see the turn out! We are all supposed to write our reason for running (or working out) on our arm... I still haven't decided what mine is... But I guess I'll have to know by tomorrow! =]

Have a good weekend!

Good News!

I think I might have mentioned at some point that last week was our 3-year wedding anniversary, right? Anyways... The first two anniversaries I was in graduate school, so although we did take time to celebrate each year... It was always during finals week and I always had a lot on my plate. This year, since I'm not in school anymore, I decided to take time from work and spend it with Husband! I worked Monday & Tuesday last week, but took the rest of the week off so we could spend some time just enjoying each other...

That was the plan anyways.

(just kidding)

We did spend a lot of much-need quality time together. However, we also took care of a few "chores" and worked in other fun activities. I changed over my Oklahoma license plate and driver's license to Texas (barf), walked a 5k, had my car break down at the peak of the highest overpass in town (lovely), celebrated the graduation of a good friend, and spent time with our mothers for Mother's Day.

Oh, and I squeezed in my annual onemorereasontolovebeingawoman appointment.

Which actually turned out to be a highlight of the whole "staycation"! (more on that appointment here)


I mentioned in that post that they drew blood to test my luteinizing hormone, thyroid-stimulating hormone, testosterone, and follicle-stimulating hormone levels. Now, don't ask me what any of that stuff means. I googled them all and have some basic idea... But pretty much... All those things work together to regulate your cycle, including menses and ovulation. I know that leaves out a ton of details, but for my purposes... That's really all I needed to know.

Anyways, the results are in and.... (drumroll, please)....

It all came back within normal limits.

Um... Hallelujah?

Back when I had my appointment in January of 2012 (which you can find a post about here), we learned that my ovaries were covered in follicles (or cysts). The birth control I was on for the previous 1.5 years (Depo-Provera or "the shot") had pretty much eliminated my menstrual cycle (as it typically does for some women). So prior to this appointment, I hadn't had a period in 1.5-2 years, which would present itself as a build-up of cysts on my ovaries. My gynecologist (at the time) basically gave me two scenarios or explanations for why my ovaries were so cystic:

1. The cysts are due to not having a regular cycle for so long. In which case, the hope would be that once I got off BC and my cycles regulated, the cysts would "slough off" and my ovaries would be good as new.
2. The cysts are due to polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) and regardless of weight-loss or birth control, the cysts would remain and most-likely make conception/pregnancy more challenging (not impossible, just challenging).

Following this appointment, I was given Provera (which is a synthetic variant of the hormone progesterone, given to jump-start menstrual cycles) and a prescription to Beyaz.  "I bled for three moons" (sorry... had a Game of Thrones moment) and met with her again for a follow-up appointment in May 2012 (read about that here). At that time, I thought we would be doing another transvaginal ultrasound to monitor the status of those lovely cysts on my ovaries.... But was disappointed to find out it was just to report back on if my periods started. When I asked her if having my period those three months indicated whether or not PCOS is likely, she pretty much (at least to my understanding) told me that I have PCOS, whether or not my period started back up. I realize now I should have asked about a billion more questions and demanded another follow-up in six months to check out my ovaries once more.

But... hindsight is 20/20, and it's irrelevant now. Back to today...

Has it ever happened to you that you didn't realize you were completely and totally stressed about something until it's no longer a concern?

The nurse called and told me the good news (and she was totally excited for me, which felt awesome... Like she knew good things were about to happen in our lives very soon)... And I kept saying to her "Wow, that's really awesome! Thank you so much!" and we laughed and got excited for a second.

As soon as I hung up the phone, I immediately started sobbing... All while smiling uncontrollably.

It totally caught me off guard! I rarely cry these days, especially about something involving me... So to cry spontaneously and uncontrollably about being... happy? It felt amazing and put me in the best mood I've been in in weeks.

I don't take for granted that conception/pregnancy will now be a breeze. I still know where the control lies (and it's definitely not with me, or I'd have been pregnant May 7, 2010)... But I am so incredibly relieved to have one less obstacle on our path to parenthood.

Still praying that God blesses us when He feels we are ready... And praising Him every step of the way!

'Night y'all!