Saturday, September 1, 2012

Loving Myself

Hi! Remember me? Sorry it's been so awfully long. Braylen and I recently moved to a new town (in another state) so we've been without internet for quite some time. That, and things have just been so hectic with moving and starting a new job, I didn't have the motivation to post from Husband's iPhone... It never dawned on me to do so anyway!

I started my new job on July 9th and have loved every minute. God's truly been blessing us right and left. Our old home hasn't sold yet, so that's still a huge concern, but otherwise... More often than not, I look around and think "Is this really my life?". I feel unbelievably blessed and so thankful to be where I am.

That isn't to say that things are 100% perfect. Like I said, our old home still hasn't sold, so that's a stressful situation. More importantly, as you could have guessed and I'm sure all assumed, my diet and exercise haven't been on point in quite a long time. I haven't weighed myself in probably 2 months, so I don't know how much damage I've done, but I think it's safe to say I'm probably right back to where I was when I started this craziness in January 2011. I'm not proud or happy about that. I don't have any resolve about it... So I'm not blowing it off and just saying "It is what it is". I have really struggled with myself over it lately. I worked really hard to lose that 60 pounds and to know I probably have gained it all back is really frustrating. It also shows me that I obviously wasn't doing things right the first time. So I guess I need to change things up?

I'm thinking, at least in the beginning, I'm not going to weigh-in like I was. I don't think I'm going to take pictures. I don't think I'm going to make a production about it. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that, and I do miss the support and encouragement I receive when I post a picture showing progress... But to me that makes it all seem temporary.. Like a fleeting victory. The changes I need to make must be subtle and gradual... Not unlike how I gained weight. I didn't gain all this extra weight overnight, and it won't come off overnight. I want to focus more on gradual and manageable changes that I can make each day. I don't want to become overwhelmed and feel like I don't know who I am anymore... Like I have in the past.

I have no idea if it will work. Hell, it probably won't.

But I have to be at least the tiniest bit happy that I'm still trying. Prior to last year, if losing weight didn't work within a couple of months, I just threw in the towel and moved on. I know now that this will always be a part of my life. It's always on the back of my mind. I'm not always happy that it's on the back of my mind because my attitude is so horrible... Most of the time all I feel is massive amounts of guilt and shame for how horribly I've treated my body. Someday hopefully it won't be a nagging feeling... It'll be more positive.

As you can see, my mind is royally messed up right now. So it's probably a good thing I haven't updated in so long, ha. Gave you a nice long break from this garbage I've got going on.

Not sure how I went from talking about how good things are to talking about how awful I feel about myself but that is the honest to goodness truth.

I love my job, my husband, my new home, my new town, my new friends, and my family. But I am having the hardest time loving myself.

I sincerely hope you all are doing well. Now that our internet is on, I will try to be better at keeping up with UE. It's helpful for me to write... Helps keep my honest. Plus, I miss you guys.

God bless.

'Night y'all!


  1. Kaycie--

    If I have learned nothing else in this life, I have to say I have learned that I can't be 100% at everything. Some things have to take a back seat for the sake of my sanity! God has always provided me with the strength and knowledge I needed at the time I needed it--not necessarily when I though the time was right! Focus on what you can at the moment, and the rest will fall into place in God's time and way!

    Caryl :)

  2. Hi Kaycie~

    Somehow I stumbled upon your blog. Thank you for your candor as you share your personal journey. You are not alone. I can relate to your situation of having a lack of love for yourself. When all the world seems to be going right, that nagging feeling of self-doubt, guilt and shame can still creep in. Strangely, for some of us, it seems to be foreign concept to love one's self, but I've come to realize it is necessary to truly feel right in the world. All the best to you, and I believe you will ultimately reach your goals. Just be gentle with yourself.



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