Ache

Sorry I haven't been around. I'm not really doing too well, currently. Depression has come in/out of my life for as long as I can remember, and at a time when I should be indescribably happy, I am feeling so lost. 

I did not get the job where I had been interning at. They gave it to someone else, a classmate of mine. I am very happy for her and for the company... I still care for them all and hope nothing but the best for them. 

But my heart aches. I wanted it so badly. I prayed for it everyday, and although I told myself I would praise God either way, and I do because I know His plan is far greater than mine, my heart still aches. I've wanted that position for the past three years. But... It wasn't meant for me and I need to accept that. 

I graduated on Saturday from graduate school. I have been in school for the past twenty years of my life. I have worked hard. I have earned my Master of Arts degree and am proud of the time and energy I've put into earning it. 

I am so relieved to be finished. However, I never anticipated feeling like I'm feeling right now. I imagined being overwhelmingly happy. I imagined having a job lined up. I imagined Braylen being completely finished with school. I imagined being healthier and trying to start a family. 

I never imagined crying every day. I never imagined having no job prospects. I never imagined planning to move back to my hometown to find work. I never imagined being unhappy with myself, at a time when I should be overjoyed. 

I've been making horrible decisions regarding my health for a few weeks now. My mental state is nowhere close to where it needs to be. I can't participate in Biggest Loser this round because competition isn't what I need. I need professional help, at this point. I can't control my thoughts anymore. I'm feeling hopeless, whereas I should be feeling so hopeful. 

My heart aches, and I am sad. 

I should be better than this.

Forgive me for being so vulnerable. I realize this post is completely unprofessional and a cry for help. But, I'm crying for help. I need support and love right now, but more than anything, I need prayer. I would love to return the favor though. God and I have been talking a lot lately... If you have a hurt on your heart, please let me plead to Him with you.