Definition of Insanity

In my undergraduate program, one of our required courses was to take Orientation to Teaching. I remember very little from the class... One thing I distinctly remember is our professor reciting nearly every day this quote:

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Now, whether or not Albert Einstein truly is the origin for this quotation is up for debate (as I just found out on Google)... But regardless... I remember her saying that repeatedly throughout the semester, and it stuck with me. 

There are mixed opinions about this quote. Some people say that it goes against another equally popular adage: 

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I can somewhat see that argument, but in a way I don't believe they're conflicting ideals. The second is just suggesting that you try again... Not necessarily that you try the same thing again. So I think they both could hold truth... But I'm digressing. 

I started this weight loss journey in January of 2011. I lost 30 pounds in the first 2 months and thought "heck, I can do this". And then... life happened. Since then I've lost another 30 pounds, but keep gaining/losing the last 15 pounds of that over and over again. I get under 240 and it's like my brain just shuts down and goes into binge mode. Which is where I've been for the past month. 

I've gained 16.5 pounds in the past 3 weeks. That is just silly. I mean, it's absurd. I know how to lose weight. I know what to eat, when to eat, how much to eat... How to exercise, where to exercise... Hell, I even started to enjoy exercising, if you can believe it. 

So what the heck is wrong with me?! 

I'm doing the same thing... Over and over again. 

I'm trying to eat healthy and move more and relying solely on my own motivation, self-control, and will power. 

And I fail every time. 

I am human and I am fallible. I make so many mistakes it's unbelievable. I know that this is unavoidable. 

But I get so down on myself each time I fail that it sends me into a tailspin of binging. I want to eat everything in sight because, in the back of my mind... I know I can lose it again and get right back to where I was.

Problem is... I don't move forward from "where I was". I get there and then stop. I reach that "minigoal" and my brain signals to me I've accomplished something and... What does this food addict do to celebrate something? 

Eat! 

I'm digressing again. Well, not really... but kind of. 

I need a change. I've become insane, if I'm going to pull from the quote my education teacher so frequently used. This is insanity. I eat the same foods and do the same exercises over and over and although they produce good results, it always fails. 

Something is missing. 

Here's where I might lose some of you, so forgive me if we differ in opinion or faith (or lack thereof, in some peoples' case): 

God is missing. 

As I said, I'm relying on my own motivation. My own self-control. My own will power. Instead of going to food for comfort, I'm trying to go to my mental strength for comfort. 

Problem is, I am so so weak. 

I haven't prayed through this. I've never once tried to be consistent on praying before meals/snacks, praying during a temptation, praying while overcoming a temptation, praying when Husband (or someone else) offers me something I know I can't have... I never tried. 

So, maybe what I'm saying is I feel both quotations are accurate. My recent diet/exercise endeavors are insane. I'm doing the same thing over and over and getting nowhere. My strength cannot lie within myself, because I don't have that kind of strength. I need God to help me through this. Instead of food or my own ego... I need His strength. I need his encouragement. I need his love to get me through. I need to depend solely on Him for comfort. 

I broke down speaking to my Lord last night and asked for His help. Tonight I spoke with Husband about it, so he would know where my heart is and where I have to go from here. I will need his prayer through this as well. 

I am going to try, try again... And with His strength, I know I can succeed. 

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