Thursday, September 18, 2014

How did we get here?

As there are so many changes happening and about to happen, I am sitting here in my living room alone (thinking) and got the overwhelming urge to blog. It's been a good while, hasn't it? Sorry about that.

It's all happening!

(Any Almost Famous fans in here?)

Ella had surgery 2 weeks ago tomorrow. Her shoulder was dislocated and we're not sure how long it had been that way. There are a lot of unanswered questions that will likely always be unanswered. A lot of "what if"s that I go over again and again, if I let myself go there. I worry that the choices I made caused this to happen. If maybe I'd gone to the hospital sooner or not pushed as hard or gotten a c-section or, well... The list goes on.

And then I look at her smile.

And I remember that every step of the way we have prayed for her, loved her, and tried to do our very best to make the best possible decisions for her. Maybe we didn't make the right ones and maybe we should've done things differently, but we can't change what's happened. All we can do is move forward and continue to pray for her, love her, and try to make the best possible decisions for her. 

It has me thinking about all of the choices Braylen and I have made that have gotten us to this point. As we pack up our things and plan to move out of the "house of our dreams" and back home to Oklahoma... I've been pondering what would've happened if we'd never come to Wichita Falls and just stayed in OK. I have no idea what we'd be doing, where we'd be, or who we would be. Even though, financially, living here has been a hardship (through no fault but our own), Wichita Falls, in many ways, has been the biggest blessing. I was going to list off all of the people who have been so vital and special in our lives the past two years, but it was getting a little long and ridiculous. There aren't enough "Thank you"s in this world... My amazing coworkers, our midwife, our doula who wasn't technically our doula (haha), Ella's OT, our family doctor, my clients and their families, the La Leche League of WF... I could go on and on.

Wichita Falls has changed who I am. And I am not saying that lightly. I had no idea the kind of pregnancy or birth I wanted before I came here and met amazing women who taught me and informed me and never judged my decisions. I had no idea the kind of mom I wanted to be. I had no idea the kind of speech pathologist I wanted to be. 

I had no idea that becoming a mother would change everything. 

And that sounds so silly because of course it does. But I didn't know the depth of what that meant until I met our baby girl. She is the reason. She's the reason that Braylen and I met... The reason we stuck it out through grad school so I could become an SLP... The reason we (somewhat) randomly moved to WF... The reason I became addicted to learning about pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding, and parenting... The reason I am (at least for now) leaving my career to focus on her and any other children we may have. She is it. 

I was packing up some things in her room this afternoon and just thinking about how blessed we've been by her. From the time I took the first pregnancy test until this very second, we've been blessed.

And now we get to raise our daughter in the midst of our sweet family in the area we both grew up... In what has always been our home, well before Braylen and I ever met. 

It's overwhelming to think about how precious this time is with her. How fleeting every second is. How much is changing so quickly. I'm so excited for what's to come and yet everything is happening so fast! She's already 6 months old and just yesterday she was just a dream I had that was too good to ever come true. 

I need to remember that even though our lives are "stressful" right now with moving, financial losses, leaving friends who've become family... Despite all the crazy going on... 

Our blessings are immeasurable. 

And packed into one strong, funny, smiley, inspiring, incredibly adorable little girl. 

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