It's just a number?

Okay, this post is going to probably sound like I am feeling defeated, but I’ll try to bring it back to the positive, so bear with me (bare* with me? I don’t know).

We weighed ourselves the other day, as I already posted, and I was at 290.0 as of Monday. Before that day I hadn’t been on a scale (except at the doctors office) in years, and when I did get measured at the dr.’s, I don’t remember looking at the weight, because I didn’t want to know. Needless to say, 290 really crept up on me.

Which is stupid to say, like I had no involvement in its appearance. Or that I had no idea eating the way I was and not exercising wouldn’t bring me to this point. But, still the same, I wasn’t expecting that amount.

I think I may have some mild case of body dismorphic disorder… Except I think I have it in reverse. Let me explain. Since about my junior year of high school I’ve tried to dress myself better. This is sometimes hard because not everything trendy fits, but I do my best to find clothes that flatter me, for the most part. When I would look in the mirror, I felt pretty good about myself because I felt I presented myself well with what I had to work with. I thought I looked pretty good. I would see other girls that are also overweight and think to myself that I was doing pretty well. I couldn’t be as overweight as them.

My perspective is drastically changing. It has been for several weeks now, but I’ll use today as an example. Maybe some of you have been watching this new show on MTV called “I Used to be Fat”.  In today’s episode, an 18-year old girl lost 90 lbs in 89 days. She went from 250 to 160. That is amazing! But what shocked me the most was in the beginning of the show, before they gave her initial weight, I kept thinking “I’ve gotta weigh less than her.” Overall, she looks bigger than I am. And then when she weighed in at 250, I felt, I admit, somewhat defeated. Well, defeated, embarrassed, shocked, and disappointed that I would hope for someone to be more overweight than myself.

I suppose it was a good thing that I saw myself skinnier than I actually was, but it really makes me wonder what others see when they look at me. Are they surprised by my weighing 290 lbs or were they expecting it? Is Husband disappointed when he found out the number? How many overweight people look at me and think “man, I’m glad I’m not that heavy!”

None of these questions really need answers. No answer, good or bad, would help or satisfy me in the long run. I have to make these changes myself, regardless of outside opinions. I think I’ve just put up blinders on myself about my weight for so long, that once I’m opening my eyes, it’s kind of scary to know it’s gotten this far.

I pray that God can bring me to a healthy weight. Whether it be the 145 I proposed earlier or some other number.. I just want to feel good about myself like I never have before. I know no one is every truly satisfied with their body, but I wish weight wasn’t at the top of my list of changes.

One day, I hope I can look in the mirror and really see me for who I am.