I wish I had a better excuse for not updating more, besides being a walking, breathing zombie 24/7 and having zero motivation to do anything but go back to bed.
I am now writing this post because I think I need to. The past couple of weeks have been a little tough for me. Physically, I'm drained all the time (thus the zombie-talk). But aside from that... It's hitting me harder than I thought to be gaining weight and not fitting in my clothes. Especially because, being a big girl already, I didn't think my stomach would pop out as quickly as it is. Granted, I'm positive it's all fat/bloating and no baby... But it's still making it difficult to wear anything other than my yoga pants every. single. day.
I knew I would gain weight. I mean, duh. And I knew eventually my clothes wouldn't fit. Again... duh. But I guess it never dawned on me that mentally it would take time to wrap my head around the idea that this time is different. In the past, a gain on the scale meant failure on my part. My pants being unable to button was embarrassing and a sign that more gym time is around the corner. These days, I know weight gain and bloating are normal and expected... But emotionally, my mind still goes straight to feeling like a failure. Particularly because, unless I tell them, no one knows I'm pregnant. So I feel like everyone looking at me thinks "damn... eat a salad".
Normally I am not this self-depricating... Or at least I try not to be so public about it. But it's really been getting me down lately. I loath getting ready in the morning. Picking out what to wear is my least favorite part of the day. I pretty much hate the way all of my clothes look on me. I've started wearing my winter cardigans already, because I feel more covered and secure... Which is stupid because it's still really warm outside.
I constantly am predicting what others are saying in their head (when nobody's probably thinking a dang thing about me)... "Honey, if you feel fat/gross now... Just wait". Yeah, thanks for that encouraging tidbit. I don't want to think about how I will feel later. I feel cruddy enough as it is.
Sorry this is so cheerful. Maybe in a couple weeks when I'm into the second trimester my spirits will turn around. Despite this entire post, I promise I am still 100% thrilled to be pregnant. I know I am so blessed to be given this opportunity. It's shameful that I could complain about anything, given everything I've been blessed with. I just needed to get this off my heart.
'Night y'all.
