Pregnancy is so Glamorous

If you had any doubts about whether pregnancy was glamorous, let me clear them up...

• Stretch marks -- Because we didn't have enough already. 
• Hemorrhoids -- Because... why not? 
• Constipation -- Because who really likes pooping?
• Gas/Bloating -- Because women smell too good most of the time so this evens it out. 
• Mood swings -- Because we can't be glamorous all the time. 
• Difficulty sleeping -- Because we're beautiful enough without beauty sleep.
• Frequent potty trips -- Because everyone around us needs a break from all the awesome we bring to the room. 
• Sensitive boobs/nipples -- Because they're too fabulous to be bothered anyway. 

"Pregnancy is so glamorous" -- Said no pregnant woman ever buying Preparation H at Walgreens.


On the other hand... My body is forming a human being as I type this, and that's pretty stinkin' awesome. Doesn't get much more incredible than that. All those other things just keep us from being too giddy about being pregnant all the time and annoying everyone around us.


I only aim to annoy you some of the time with my excitement.


Gotta go... It's time for bed. Which means I'll be up in another two hours to pee, go back to sleep, and then wake up every hour after that just for fun.


'Night, y'all!!

Mercy

My internal clock (and this little dancer in my belly) have already decided that waking up every 2.5-3 hours at night should happen NOW. So midnight, 3am, and 6am (unless it's a workday and I'm getting up at 5am) are times I am very familiar with now. And several other hours in the night where I'm woken up to turn over or just take note of the time passing in which I'm not getting good sleep.

That being said, some nights (like tonight), my body (and this little dancer in my belly) don't want to go back to sleep. So what should've been just a quick trip to the bathroom and back to bed at 12:35 wound up with me sitting here wide awake at 2:45.

How can I complain when all I'm thinking about is in a few months, this little dancer will no longer be in my belly... But right here with me? Nights will get harder, but I do look forward to spending LOTS of mama/daughter time together. I know that one day I will wish for nothing more than a night in which I can go back to sleep whenever my body says it's time, and not when it works around a baby's schedule. If you feel the need to point that out to me, then go ahead. Just please know that in this moment in time, I will promptly ignore those statements. Why would anyone want to stifle a mom-to-be's excitement about meeting and falling in love with her child?

Which brings me to something that I have gone over and over in my head and wanted to post about but didn't know how without being hateful or petty or rude or bitter.

Judgement.

Recently, there isn't a day that passes in which I don't hear or see someone being judgmental. And I am aware that in and of itself, this post is me being judgmental, so the irony/hypocrisy is not lost on me. Which is another reason why I haven't said anything.

Here's the thing... I have opinions about many things, like everyone does. Whether it be political, religious, parenting, hobbies, working, relationships, etc... I feel a certain way and have thoughts about all of those topics and much more. I don't always keep my thoughts to myself (though I have been much more lately for the very same reason this post is being written). Here's the thing... I have my thoughts and they may not be the same as yours. I don't pretend to think that my thoughts are better than yours. I don't pretend to like all of your thoughts.

But there is such a thing as consideration and respect for those around you.

I don't always agree or like what you have to say, and if I really don't like it... Then that's my choice to say.. Unfriend/hide you from FB or mention something privately to you (which I rarely do because it's not important enough to me to cause an argument over).

It blows my mind when people get bent out of shape about other people posted opinions/thoughts/ideas that they don't particularly agree with.

Some people post about:

• Sports
• Cute animal videos
• Animal pictures
• Baby pictures
• Disease awareness
• School
• Work
• Boredom
• Daily Thanksgiving posts
• Elf on the Shelf
• Military appreciation
• Recipes
• Political opinions
• Religious beliefs

The list seriously goes on and on and on and on and on because we all have a billion interests and activities that we want/decide to post about.  Whether or not I agree with your political opinions, care to watch the video you just posted, or want to hear what you made for dinner... I sure as heck care about you as a human being, your right/desire to say/think how you feel, and your emotions that may be damaged by me ridiculing or passing judgment on something you hold dear.

I am not perfect, and I imagine I hurt the feelings of those I care about more than I even realize. But I cannot imagine going out of my way and making a point of putting another person's beliefs/thoughts/feelings down. Granted, this post is inherently hypcritical because I'm posting about  not people passing judgment on other people's opinions... Which means I'm passing judgment on them for doing so. Hear me out...

I respect your right to have those opinions. If you don't like that I enjoy making posts during the month of November about the things I am thankful for, or if you get annoyed when I post yet another picture or status about my pregnancy, or if it takes up space on your timeline when I share the advertisements my husband posts for his business... Then please let me know and I will gladly hide my future posts from you, no hard feelings. In fact, there are several people I have already hidden, because I know somehow my posts have somehow offended or annoyed them. It only concerns me when people feel they have to make statements passive aggressively about not liking this or that (knowing full well their friends/family members have differing opinions) and disregard how this may affect whoever reads that particular post.

It's one thing to have an opinion and be passionate about that opinion, it's quite another to disregard all other opinions and the emotions of those with those opinions.

There are many things that I have absolutely no interest or relatively little interest in reading about... Sports, politics, recipe posts, advertisements, Elf on the Shelf, etc. That being said... I very much have interest in the friends and family who care about those topics. So if I don't want or care to see a particular post... It's amazing how easy it is to keep scrolling.

And you know who that hurts?? No one.

Granted, not everyone handles or responds to things in the same way and I've only ever been in my skin, so I can't say what will work for someone else. Maybe it's a need on your heart to make your opinions known, regardless of how anyone will respond. And that is your prerogative. When I read those posts, it's then my prerogative to hide them, if I find them too offensive.

All I'm saying is, it bothers me when people aren't kind towards one another. It makes me sad for them and sad for those who are affected by what they say.

Now I feel the need to apologize if I've offended anyone, particularly if you felt this post was aimed towards you. We are all guilty of this, at some point or another... So chances are some things I have said may have been offensive. I apologize if that's made you uncomfortable or angered or hurt in any way. This was most definitely not geared towards just a handful of people, but really people, in general (myself, included). As I said, we are all guilty of passing judgment on others at some point.

I just wish we shared a little more mercy, as well.

Things I Have Learned While Pregnant

Okay, so blogging is obviously not something I'm good at anymore. I've come to terms with it... I'm just not going to be consistent with it anymore. At least not now, and probably not ever. And I'm okay with that. I will when I can or when I feel inspired to do so. For the past few weeks, I've been compiling all of the things that have stood out to me so far in this pregnancy. I feel like I've learned SO MUCH in these nearly 17 weeks of being pregnant and that there's SO MUCH more to learn! I can't research, google, read, or watch enough! I get so excited about reading birth stories, watching documentaries about childbirth/breastfeeding, hearing my friends' experiences... I've seriously contemplated a change in careers to midwifery, ha. (Don't freak out, Mom... I won't actually change careers. Yet, anyway.) Learning about pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, and parenting has rapidly become my most favorite past-time. But not only have I learned a lot from reading/watching other people's ideas... I've learned a lot from my own experience, so far.

So here are just a few of the highlights that I've found. I know I'll have more to add later...

1. Modern maternity clothes were designed by the very best and most kind angels, I believe. Particularly maternity pants. I never want to take mine off, including to sleep, and I often find myself asking "Why wasn't I wearing these before I got pregnant?" Never in my life have I experienced pants so comfortable. I'm never afraid of crackage showing. Never afraid of muffin top. Never afraid of adjusting them. They. Are. Perfect. And the shirts? Sigh... All of my friends/coworkers have heard me go on and on. I'm just obsessed with maternity clothes and I think Motherhood Maternity will be my new store of choice, even after I have this baby. Why would I not want to be this comfortable all the time?? 
2. Speaking of comfort... The Snoogle. Go check it out... I'll wait. Seriously? This pillow was also designed in heaven. It took some getting used to and figuring out how to best maneuver around it at night (particularly when I have to get up 1-3x every night to pee)... But I think I finally have it mastered and now I'm in love. In fact, Braylen wants to buy one for him because he is so jealous of how comfortable it is. I will say, I have no idea how he and I and two of these pillows would fit in our bed (not to mention with Leia in bed with us). That is one downside... It takes up a lot of space.
3. I am fascinated by, intrigued by, excited for, and in awe of natural childbirth. Many of you probably know by now that Braylen and I have chosen to have a midwife versus an obstetrician and will be having our baby at home (barring any emergency situations or complications). This is not a decision we entered in to lightly. We prayed and talked about it for a long time, even before getting pregnant. But since making this decision, I can't tell you how relieved, at peace, and excited I am about actually giving birth. I have never been this excited about anything in my life... Not even our wedding (sorry, BDR). The more I learn about natural childbirth and its benefits for myself and the baby... The more I read birth stories from women who have had a natural experience... The more I plan our own birth experience... I literally get overwhelmed with excitement and anticipation sometimes! I'm sure as it gets closer, fear or anxiety will set in about the pain. I'm not naive to think it will be easy or perfect or exactly how I have it pictured. I know it will be messy. I know I will freak out at some point. But my goodness, the feeling afterward? That high? Ugh.. I have goosebumps just thinking about it. God may have other plans and we may not get to have natural, medication-free, home childbirth like we want. And that's okay. But preparing for it and going this route so far, versus appointments at a hospital (which I'm not condemning, by any means) has just felt so unbelievably right to us. I can't wait to see what else God is going to teach us through this experience. 
4. I think there should be a phrase added to Webster's: Potty Paralysis. There should most definitely be an ICD code for it, though it's more of a "condition", rather than a "disease". I often experience this when I'm at my 2:30 AM visit to the bathroom or my first morning trip or sometimes on my trips at work. Basically, Potty Paralysis is when you sit down to pee, do your business, and then remain seated there for who knows how long because you just can't remember how to stand back up OR it's just so much nicer to stay seated. Normally I think of absolutely nothing during this time (which can last anywhere from 1-10 minutes). It's almost like meditation. My mind is clear, I have no agenda (because my business is already finished), and all is right with the world (because I no longer feel like my bladder is about to explode). It's a good kind of paralysis. One that I look forward to and often have no intention of experiencing prior to it actually happening. I never go to the restroom expecting or planning to not get back up right away. It's just kind of one of those things that happens and I don't realize it's happened until a few minutes later when I remind myself "Oh, hey, you should probably go back to work." or "Maybe you should actually get dressed and start the day." Just saying.. I don't know if I'm the only one to experience this, but it's another welcome addition to my day.
5. There are an infinite number of things "they say" you absolutely should not ever ever ever do when you're pregnant. All the things you can't eat/drink... sushi, unpasteurized cheeses, most lunch meat, some fish, too much sugar, alcohol, raw cookie dough, Caesar dressing, lots of caffeine, and the list goes on and on. All the activities you shouldn't do (heavy lifting, contact sports, smoking, paint, etc. The thought has crossed my mind more than once... If I'm not supposed to do those things when I'm pregnant... Maybe I shouldn't after when I'm not. I know that is silly and obviously it's not something one would actually consider following through with (cos who could live without cookie dough?). But it makes me laugh sometimes to think about "Yeah, maybe I should never lift anything heavy again." or "No more painting" (like I do so much of that, as it is). I just love having a silly brain sometimes. 

Okay, this post has taken me all day to write because I keep getting interrupted by, like, cooking and going to the bathroom and paying attention to my husband and Call the Midwife and stuff. And now I can't think of any other tidbits to write about. I know I'll come up with more later.

What did you discover or become obsessed with learning about while pregnant? 

Maybe This Will Help?

I wish I had a better excuse for not updating more, besides being a walking, breathing zombie 24/7 and having zero motivation to do anything but go back to bed.

I am now writing this post because I think I need to. The past couple of weeks have been a little tough for me. Physically, I'm drained all the time (thus the zombie-talk). But aside from that... It's hitting me harder than I thought to be gaining weight and not fitting in my clothes. Especially because, being a big girl already, I didn't think my stomach would pop out as quickly as it is. Granted, I'm positive it's all fat/bloating and no baby... But it's still making it difficult to wear anything other than my yoga pants every. single. day.

I knew I would gain weight. I mean, duh. And I knew eventually my clothes wouldn't fit. Again... duh. But I guess it never dawned on me that mentally it would take time to wrap my head around the idea that this time is different. In the past, a gain on the scale meant failure on my part. My pants being unable to button was embarrassing and a sign that more gym time is around the corner. These days, I know weight gain and bloating are normal and expected... But emotionally, my mind still goes straight to feeling like a failure. Particularly because, unless I tell them, no one knows I'm pregnant. So I feel like everyone looking at me thinks "damn... eat a salad".

Normally I am not this self-depricating... Or at least I try not to be so public about it. But it's really been getting me down lately. I loath getting ready in the morning. Picking out what to wear is my least favorite part of the day. I pretty much hate the way all of my clothes look on me. I've started wearing my winter cardigans already, because I feel more covered and secure... Which is stupid because it's still really warm outside.

I constantly am predicting what others are saying in their head (when nobody's probably thinking a dang thing about me)... "Honey, if you feel fat/gross now... Just wait". Yeah, thanks for that encouraging tidbit. I don't want to think about how I will feel later. I feel cruddy enough as it is.

Sorry this is so cheerful. Maybe in a couple weeks when I'm into the second trimester my spirits will turn around. Despite this entire post, I promise I am still 100% thrilled to be pregnant. I know I am so blessed to be given this opportunity. It's shameful that I could complain about anything, given everything I've been blessed with. I just needed to get this off my heart.

'Night y'all.

My First Dream of You

Hello, my first born child.

It is currently 4:55 AM. I don't normally get up until 5:40ish, but today I was wide awake at 4:36. I had a dream about you and then I woke up and remembered almost every detail. I don't want to forget this dream, because it was so sweet (and so scary). So sit tight and let me tell you a little story...

In my dream you were born via water birth. (In real life, Daddy and I haven't decided on water birth or not, yet) I remember pushing and then all the sudden.... There you were! You were a boy, weighing 10 pounds, 1 ounce and 21 inches long. You were smiling and talking (though now I can't remember what you were telling me). Only I could understand you, but your Nonnie thought she could, too. Oh, she was there when you were born. I don't remember Daddy being there, but he probably was and I just forgot.

Anyways, I was standing up and walking around right after you came. We left our bathroom (where the pool had been set up) and walked out into the living room. But in my dream our living room at home turned into Oma & Opa's formal living room, and that's where everyone was waiting to meet you. Oma & Opa were there. Grandpa was there, making fun of my elementary school singing group, The Caroleers (who knows where that came from). A friend from elementary school was there, Amanda Todd, and a girl named Amanda Morris was there. I have no idea who Amanda Morris is, but I'm thinking it's probably Mommy's friend from work whose last name is Harris. Dream typo? I don't know. Those are the people whose names I remember writing down, but I know there were more. I think Carol was there and someone else, but I can't remember now. Everyone loved holding you and talking about how big you were. It began to occur to me... How did I get such a big baby out of me without any medications??

The whole time I remember bits and pieces of seeing our midwife clean up, make our bed, open the blinds, cook some type of herbal something-or-other for me to eat, and work silently in the background. I know this isn't an accurate portrayal of what our midwife will do in real life... But somewhere in my noggin that's what I imagined, I guess? I just remember trying to stay out of her way. Oh, and that when I saw her cooking, it wasn't in our kitchen, but in Grandpa & Nonnie's kitchen. It was there that I asked her about placenta encapsulation and if she offered that service. She told me to put the placenta in our deep freeze and we could send it within a week to her mentor to process.

So basically that's my dream. I can still see your big smiling face (which I know won't be the case when you're actually born). I can still hear your sweet little voice talking to me (which I definitely know won't be the case when you're actually born). I can still see the scale saying 10 lbs, 1 oz. (Dear God, I don't know if I'm ready for that to be the case when you're actually born).

I'm so happy I had this dream. However weird it may have been... I feel closer to you and feel your presence inside of me more than I did when I went to bed last night. So for that I'm thankful. I can't wait to meet you, little one... And find out just how big you are!

Love you so much,
Mommy

Week 6 Thoughts

I mean, nobody asked for my thoughts, but why not share them?

• Chances are, if you plan something before 10 AM and expect me to be there... You had better be my work and paying my salary. Otherwise, I physically cannot get out of bed. 
• Wonder how much flack I'll get for wanting to give birth naturally. Wonder how much it'll hurt my feelings to hear negativity. Wonder if I won't care at all. I wonder... 
• I am so unbelievably, indescribably, out-of-control excited for this little blessing. Occasionally I have a complaint (or two or three or four) because pregnancy is NOT what I expected... But I could not feel more blessed or happy to be given this gift. 
• Feeling blah all the time has made me appreciate just how little I feel sick the rest of the time (when I'm not pregnant). Now that I constantly feel gross, I have to remind myself, "you are NOT sick. You are pregnant. There's a difference. This is NORMAL." Because my tendency is to freak out, stay in bed all day resting, and not do any house work. (Okay, I probably just threw in that last part because I really don't want to do any house work)
• My husband is Superman, I'm convinced. He buys me all the pineapple, thin bagels, and ice cream I want and never complains. He also has become very good at reading my pouts. All I have to do is pout his way and he knows exactly what it is I need (and then gets it without me even asking!). I think it's a magic trick, but I haven't figured out the secret yet. 
• Current symptoms: interrupted sleep, exhaustion, frequent bathroom trips, reflux, mild heartburn, breast soreness/tenderness, mild cramping, minimal spotting, outrageous up/down emotions (including bursts of sobbing lasting 20 minutes to 2 hours), bloating, gas... POOR JOY TO BE AROUND, I tell ya. (More like poor Braylen)

And Baby Makes Three!

Well, the cat's out of the bag... We're expecting our first child! We one hundred percent could not be more excited (or scared or anxious or overwhelmed). Just to recap, this is what's been going on before we made the big reveal:

On June 27th, I woke up like I've done on countless other mornings... with the intent to take a pregnancy test. I figured it would be negative and I'd slip back in to bed for a few more minutes. However, a part of me wondered... Will this one be "the one"? My period was a week late... I felt like I'd waited long enough!
So I "administered the test" and waited some more...

(3 minutes is way too long, btw)

And there it was. Faint. But there was a second line.

I went to the living room and said "Umm... Braylen, can you come here?". He came into the bathroom and I said, "Well, I think we're pregnant" and handed him the test. He stared at it for a few seconds and said "it's definitely darker than the last time!" (when we had the false positive test) and then, in true Braylen fashion... Pointed out a pimple on my chin.

Sigh...

ADD does not fade with age, just FYI.

Anyways, immediately he asked for a "redo" response and hugged and kissed me. Then we got ready for work and went on our merry way.

Though, how the heck do you concentrate after getting THAT kind of shock at 6:00 AM?!

At lunch time, I hurried down to CVS and bought two different brands of tests (different than the type I took the first time). Once I got back to work I took them and voila... Two different tests with two very clear plus signs!

Based on whattoexpect.com and advice from a nurse friend, we calculated that we were about 7 weeks along. We made our first prenatal appointment for July 5th.  We were going to wait until 7-13-13 to tell our families, but I NEEDED MY MOMMY after the first week of symptoms and stress at work, so we would up telling my side of the family on the Fourth of July. It wasn't at all how we planned (I had grand schemes to take video/pictures of their responses), but it was intimate and sweet and my mom cried, so what else could I ask for?

However, my appointment on the 5th didn't go quite as planned. Once we got there, the doctor also figured (based on the date of my last menstrual period) I was about 7 weeks, 1 day. Which is far enough along to see something on an ultrasound, so much to my surprise, we went right to the ultrasound room! I was so excited to see Little Dot for the first time!!

But when all was said and done, she couldn't find a gestational sac... anywhere. The lining of my uterus was thickened (as it should be for a pregnancy), but there was no sac for Baby to grow in that was evident on the u/s, which, for 7 weeks along.. There most definitely should've been. The doctor sent me down to the lab to have blood drawn to check the level of hCG (human chorionic gonadotropin or the "pregnancy hormone" that increases significantly during the first part of pregnancy and is what's detected on a home pregnancy test). The doctor could see my anxiety about not having the u/s go off without a hitch. She reassured me that depending upon what my blood level is, it might just be that we're not as far along as we thought. She didn't say it, but of course my mind deduced that it's either that or we lost the baby. 

So when they called us 2 hours later with the results of the blood test to tell me my hCG level was 550 (much much much lower than it should've been at 7 weeks), my mind went to the worst possible scenario. I thought we lost the baby. 

The nurse told me to come back on Monday morning to draw my blood again and see if my hCG had doubled, as it should, and we would go from there. So from Friday to Monday, we pretty much had no idea how to feel. I think that's probably the most anxiety and sadness I've ever felt in my life. I also think that's probably the most I have ever prayed for anything in my life. Every spare moment I was in prayer that God would give us strength and patience to get through whatever it is we were going to go through. I knew whatever would happen is out of our control and we needed to rely on Him for strength to keep going. We had so many people praying with us, I could never begin to thank you all individually. We told Braylen's parents on the 5th about the pregnancy, though it was a much different kind of news than we thought. We expected to show them an u/s picture and make it a big, happy surprise. Instead, we told them with fear and uncertainty and requests for more prayer. 

Monday morning came around and I got to the lab as soon as the doors opened. Of course they didn't have my paperwork, so I had to wait another hour for the OB office to open. After that, it took less than 10 minutes for them to call my name and draw blood. Last time, it took them less than 2 hours to get back to us with results. So when I didn't hear back from anyone until lunch time, I started to panic. I decided to go down to the doctor's office and wait. I knew they were going as fast as they could, but it made ME feel better to be there. Within 20 minutes, the nurse came out to tell me... 

My hCG went from 550 on Friday to 1800 on Monday!!!! 

We made an appointment for another ultrasound for the next day, Tuesday July 9th, 2013. Braylen and my mom took off work to come with me again, which was so nice. We went right for the u/s room again because by that point my hCG would've been over 2000 (which is what it has to be, at least, to see something on u/s). As soon as she started, this is what we saw: 

 

That hole in the middle at the top is the gestational sac!! That is exactly what we were hoping to see!! It's right where it should be (in the uterus) and is currently measuring at about 5 weeks... Though it's still too early to date it well enough. 

We went from extreme anxiety/sadness over the weekend to over-the-top joy and thankfulness for this sweet little blessing!! I literally have never been happier about anything in my entire life. I've also never been this scared of losing anything in my entire life. But I know and have faith that God's timing and His plan are absolutely perfect. If anything, the [almost] scare we had last weekend reiterated that 10x over. It is impossible for me to do this without Him... Without His strength, comfort, and patience. I am so thankful that he brought us that milestone to go over because it showed us just how much we need him and just how important prayer is in our family. 

Today Braylen and I will be baptized. We planned to do this long before we found out about Little Dot, but it means even more to me now. There aren't enough words to express how I feel today. I am so blessed to have the opportunity to be baptized in front of our family and friends. I am so blessed to be baptized with our first child growing in my belly. I am so blessed to be baptized alongside my husband, my best friend, my partner in life, the father of my child. 

Today is a beautiful day.